Wormies Watch Out!
by denise1
Summary: With Jack as the technical advisor for Wormhole Extreme, SG-1 finds themselves caught up in a world odder than they've ever explored - Fan Conventions
1. Wormies Watch Out!

Wormies Watch Out!!

By

Denise

"NO!" Jack's outraged and indignant voice echoed through the complex.

"Colonel O'Neill…" General Hammond said reasonably.

"With all due respect General, No. No way. I'm not doing this. I'd rather French Kiss Anise."

"Sam could call her dad. I'm sure it could be arranged," Daniel Jackson said helpfully.

Jack spun and pointed a finger at his teammate. "You can be replaced," he threatened.

"Colonel, it doesn't sound that bad," Sam Carter said, fighting to keep the grin off her face. This was just too good to be true.

"Fine Carter. You go. I'll stay here and do some paperwork or something."

"Nice try Colonel. Futile but nice. These orders come from the chairman of the Joint Chiefs, General Myers himself. You leave at 0700 tomorrow morning. Colonel O'Neill is of course traveling as himself. Major Carter, you, Doctor Jackson and Murray Anderson," he said looking pointedly at Teal'c, "Will all be attending as guests," he briefed them, handing each a folder of papers. "You will note Colonel that your leave is for four days and you are only committed for one of them. Vancouver is lovely city. I'm sure you will enjoy yourselves," he said, his tone telling them the discussion was over. He exited the room, leaving the puzzled quartet behind.

They opened their folders and started to read the material within, with the exception of Jack who'd tossed his folder aside and was staring intently through the briefing room window at the stargate below.

"Welcome to Worm Con 2001," Daniel read. "A convention by the fans for the fans."

"Worm Con?"

"It's a gathering of fans of the show Wormhole Extreme. They're called 'Wormies'," Sam explained gaining her curious looks from her companions, which she ignored.

"Wormies? What the hell kind of a name is wormies?" Jack asked skeptically.

Sam shrugged. "What kind of a name is Trekkers?"

"Jack, this doesn't look too bad. It's a nice hotel. You go in, talk for an hour or so then we have the rest of a long weekend," Daniel said rationally.

"You think it's so great you do it," Jack said, pushing his folder across the table at the man.

Daniel held up his hands and moved back. "No. No. No. I'm not the military adviser for the show. Civilian remember?" He grinned.

"Colonel, it'll be just like lecturing at the academy," Sam said reasonable.

"Indeed O'Neill. It will be a chance to share your wisdom with others, a most prodigious opportunity."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Jack stood backstage and peeked around the edge of the plastic stargate. The meeting room was full of people. For cryin out loud, where the hell did they all come from? The show was on cable for Pete's sake, no one was supposed to be watching it.

'The show's military advisor, Colonel Jack O'Neill.'

How the hell had he gotten roped into doing this anyway? He couldn't remember doing anything to piss Hammond off. Maybe his team had done something? Carter…nah, not likely. Teal'c neither. That left Daniel. It had to be Daniel's fault.

'Maybe he's a little shy. Come on folks, give a nice Vancouver welcome to Colonel O'Neill.'

"Aah Colonel…you're on," a young black clad stagehand prompted.

With a roll of his eyes Jack pasted a grin on his face and stepped out of the concealing shadows and into the spot light.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Fifteen Minutes Later

"Oh he is crashing and burning," Sam whispered to Daniel as they sat in the back of the conference room.

"I know. Isn't it great?" The archaeologist said gloatingly, remembering more than once when Jack had belittled teaching. 'How hard can it be to get up in front of a buncha kids and talk?' Hah. Daniel leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest, preparing to enjoy the show.

"Daniel, do something." Sam jabbed her friend in the ribs.

"Do what?"

"I don't know. Ask a question."

"I don't want to ask a question. You ask a question."

"He'll recognize my voice."

"Like he won't mine?"

"You speak 23 languages, use one of them."

"Oh yeah. There are days when he barely understands English. What do you want me to do, yell 'Kree'?"

"No," Sam laughed. "But look at him." She motioned towards the front of the room where their fearless leader was seated upon a stool on the stage, starting to fiddle with the wireless microphone in his hand.

"I know." Daniel grinned. "Do you think they'll have videos for sale?" He motioned towards the cameras set up at the sides and back of the room. "This should really be preserved and shared. I know a few Marines that will pay plenty to see this."

"Does anyone have a question?" They heard Jack ask plaintatively.

Daniel caught a movement out of the corner of his eye. "What are you doing?" he asked

Sam as a young woman handed her a microphone.

She responded with an evil grin. "Colonel. Do you ever…in the episode 'Emasculation' Colonel Danning is captured by this amorous princess with …libidinous thoughts. Not to mention in 'Short Fuse' when he gets very friendly with an alien woman. What exactly is the Air Force policy on fornicating with aliens?" Sam handed the microphone back to the technician.

"Oh you are evil," Daniel said, wishing he'd thought of it.

Sam merely grinned and watched her CO fluster a bit, the flushing of his face visible even from their seats at the back of the room. "Aah well…you know…I'm sure the Air Force would have a policy on fornicating with aliens, if aliens were real," Jack said smugly.

"That was too easy." Daniel raised his hand. The woman brought him the microphone. "On the show Doctor Levant is a civilian. Is it really fair to expect him to adhere to the exact same annoying rules as the military people?"

"Well yeah of course he's…"

"But what if he only has to follow them sometimes, like when it suits Danning. In one of the episodes he was encouraged to break rules that would get the military people, I don't know, like shot. But then other times he's expected to play by those same rules. It's like he only has to follow the regulations when it suits Danning." Daniel sat back down.

"Oh well yeah, there's times when you have to be flexible and accommodate others."

"Score," Sam said, drawing an imaginary line in the air. "That's Team 2, Colonel 0." She raised her hand and again got the microphone. "Isn't it true that if Danning was ogling Major Monroe like he does in real life that the major would likely deck him?"

She saw Jack frown then a knowing look crossed his craggy face. "I suppose it's possible the major could TRY to deck him. But considering that he not only out ranks her but has also covered her six on occasion I think she'll be fairly tolerant."

"Busted," Daniel crowed softly gaining him a slap on the arm.

"Bite me," Sam muttered crossing her arms petulantly.

"O'Neill. If Grell is given a shiny new sports utility vehicle in 'The Bronco Divide', why would not others not be shown the same courtesy?"

"That sounds like Teal'c," Sam said, craning her neck to see the Jaffa retaking his seat, the hat pulled low over his forehead. "I thought he stayed in the room."

"He sounds grumpy. Must have just discovered that the Richmond Inn doesn't have magic fingers."

"Magic fingers?" Sam asked.

"Didn't he tell you? He went through like five rolls of quarters last time."

"An SUV? They bought T…Grell an SUV. For cryin out loud."

"What I want to know is on the show Danning gifts the doctor frequently with flowers and such in gratitude for saving his life so many times. Is that common practice in the Air Force?"

"Janet?" Sam turned to see the petite doctor taking her seat beside Teal'c. "I didn't know she was here."

"He gives her flowers?" Jack asked.

"Yeah a dozen roses," Janet answered.

"A week," Sam yelled.

Daniel sniggered. "He's gonna blow," he said, thoroughly enjoying the annoyed look on Jack's face. Maybe he'd order two copies of the video.

"Ok you guys…." Jack got to his feet.

"And that's all the time we have for Colonel O'Neill," the emcee said adroitly, stepping onto the stage. "Everyone please thank the colonel for coming all the way from…the states, to tell us all about his part as military advisor for Wormhole Extreme."

"Uh oh Sam, I think we should…" Daniel started then turned to see the empty chair beside him and the door to the room swinging closed. "Run," he finished as Jack stepped off the stage and stalked down the aisle intent upon getting his hands on the hecklers. Stepping over two bemused fans, Daniel hurried from the room.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"I can not take you people anywhere," Jack stated, taking a seat at the booth in the Thirsty Turtle.

"Excuse me? I seem to recall someone saying 'If I have to do then I'm not doing it alone,'" Daniel reminded sipping his Irish coffee.

"Come yes, heckle no." Jack waved at the waitress. "Draft please."

"Can I get another rum and coke?" Sam ordered, holding up her empty glass.

"Yeah me too," Janet chimed in.

"Anyone else?" the waitress asked, popping her gum.

"I shall have another," Teal'c said while Daniel shook his head.

"So?" Jack asked once she'd left. "What are the plans for the evening?" He fiddled with his tie, loosening it a bit.

"I don't know about you guys but I'm starving. Anyone know of any good restaurants?" Daniel asked.

"The lady at registration said there were a half-dozen or so within walking distance, and there's always the food court at the mall," Sam suggested.

"Food court at the mall? Yum," Jack derided. "How about I go change and we can chase down one of these restaurants?" Their drinks arrived and there was a flurry of digging for money and the clank of coins.

Forty-five minutes later Sam and Janet were waiting by the hotel's exit for Jack to return from changing. "What's this stuff?" Janet asked looking through a large window at a display of items.

"Umm…the sign says charity auction."

"They're selling props and stuff to raise money for Make a Wish," a woman said. "Look Libya," She turned to her friend. "They have Grell's pants," she said longingly.

"To heck with those Trish, there's the jacket Danning was wearing when he kissed Stacy in 'As the Wormhole Turns.'"

"Ewwe Girl. Now if she'd kissed Grell…"

"You'd hate her."

"Well yeah, but at least he'd get to kiss someone. It was just like we were talking to Joe at the party last night. Grell needs a girlfriend."

The two women walked away leaving behind a bemused Sam and Janet. "I wonder what's keeping the guys? Oh my god." Sam pressed her hands against the glass.

"What?"

"Nick Marlow's pants," she said reverently pointing at the item of clothing.

"Huh?"

"Nick Marlow's pants, worn by him, signed by him. Janet I HAVE to have those," Sam stated.

"Excuse me? You have a closet full of fatigues."

"But they're not Nick Marlow's fatigues."

"You don't actually mean you watch this show?" Janet asked incredulously.

Sam blushed. "Well…I didn't mean to. But, when you guys kicked me off the base there was a marathon and there was nothing else on and…it was sort of fun to see what I recognized from…you know and…he's just so cute."

"Cute? Nick Marlow? The 'I have a girl on every planet' Nick Marlow. The 'I would have been court-martialed years ago for hitting on my second' Nice Marlow."

"Janet, he's not like that. Not in real life. He's got a new baby and he goes to see her every weekend and he supports all these charities and everyone says he's fun to work with."

"Everyone?"

"Janet. Come on, so I'm hooked on a TV show. What's so bad about…what?" Sam asked her friend who was staring wide-eyed at something behind the glass.

"Ray's jacket," she said reverently, pressing her nose against the glass.

Sam stood back, her arms crossed over her chest. "Ray?"

Janet looked at her and blushed furiously. "Ok. Ok. I never miss it. What do you think I do while you and Cassie play chess? I've got all the episodes on DVD. Even bought a multi-region DVD player so I could buy them from the UK."

"Janet Fraiser you sneaky little…"

"There you guys are," Jack said, walking up to them with Daniel and Teal'c trailing. "Ready to go?"

Janet and Sam shared glances then looked at the items behind the glass barrier. "Actually sir, can we take a rain check?" Sam asked.

"What? I thought you two were starved?"

"We…something came up"

"A medical emergency. We need to hang around," Janet said.

"Both of you?"

"Actually it's both medical and physics related."

Jack snorted. "Whatever. Danny, Teal'c, looks like it's a guys night out."

Janet and Sam watched them leave. "How long until the auction starts?"

Sam looked at her watch. "Forty-five minutes. Not enough time to eat in the hotel restaurant."

"We'll go to the food court, grab a burger and get back here," Janet planned. The two women hurried out the door.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Jack walked by the parking garage trailed by Daniel and Teal'c. "So either of you have any idea where we're going?"

"I thought you asked for directions?" Daniel said.

"Nah. What's the adventure in that?" Daniel rolled his eyes and sighed. A familiar odor tickled his nose and he smiled, picking up the pace. Jack and Teal'c followed as he crossed the street. "No. No. No Daniel. No coffee houses," Jack insisted as he spied the archaeologist's destination.

"Ja-ack," Daniel whined.

"Look, all they have are sandwiches. I'm hungrier than that. And I know Teal'c is too."

Daniel frowned and looked longingly at the Internet café. "Ok. But we stop for breakfast in the morning," he conceded.

"Hataka!" Teal'c cursed.

"Or not…"

"T? What? Oh for cryin out loud," Jack exclaimed as Daniel began to laugh. "Cronos. Who the hell would name a restaurant after a goa'uld?"

"It's a Greek restaurant named after the Titan Cronos who had his name stolen by a goa'uld," Daniel explained.

The red painted door swung open and a group of people walked out laughing and joking. The aroma of grilled steaks and pizza wafted after them. "Mumsey come on. I have to help with the auction and we haven't even moved the stuff into the room," a woman with a British accent said.

"Becky. It's not like they'll start without us. We'll all help you. It'll go much faster that way," Mumsey reasoned amongst a chorus of 'we'll all help' from the other people in the group.

"It smells good," Jack said as the women headed back towards the hotel.

"I will not eat in an establishment bearing that name," Teal'c declared.

"Fine. We'll look for somewhere else," Jack said.

They kept walking, enjoying the clean Vancouver air and the sunset over the mountains.

"Ooh there is a god," Jack said as his eyes caught sight of a red neon sign.

"Pizza?" Daniel asked. "We travel a thousand miles, we're surrounded by a dozen authentic Chinese restaurants and you want pizza?"

"This isn't just pizza. This is Chicago Pizza," Jack said, his voice full of reverence.

"It is dough covered with tomato sauce and cheese," Teal'c said in a long suffering voice.

"In other words, it's pizza," Daniel said.

"This is Chicago Pizza. It's like Philadelphia Cheese Steak or Kansas City Barbecue. It's one of a kind."

"Yeah, that's why they're a franchise," Daniel quipped. "Fine we eat pizza. But I get coffee on the way back in addition to tomorrow morning. Your treat."

"Daniel, if it makes you happy I'll set up an account and buy you a gallon a day for a week," Jack bargained walking into the restaurant.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sam hurried into the room, dragging Janet behind her. "It's about to start," she said excitedly.

"Sam, I think there's plenty." Janet motioned towards the stage, laden with props, clothing and other collectibles.

"Yeah, but only one thing I want," Sam said, slipping into an empty seat.

Up on stage workers were moving about, sorting out their offerings. People were filing in, filling the seats of the meeting room. "Sam, why exactly are we doing this?"

"Because it'll be fun."

"Fun? You want to spend your hard earned money on a piece of discarded clothing signed by some actor?"

"Why not? It's my money. If I wanted to buy a new car you'd help me shop. And it's not like I can take it with me. Might as well have some fun with all that hazardous duty pay."

"Good evening ladies…and gentlemen…there are some men here right?" The emcee announced walking onto the stage. "I would like to thank all of you for coming to this very first Worm Con Charity Auction." There was a burst of applause and cheering. "Tonight we have a very impressive assortment of items graciously donated by Bridge Studios and the actors involved with Wormhole Extreme. And if that isn't enough for you I have a few folks here to help me out. May I introduce Yolanda Reese who plays the brilliant and beautiful Major Monroe, Raymond Gunne who plays Doctor Levant and Doug Anderson, the strong silent enigmatic robot Grell!" There was another round of applause as the three actors made their way onto the stage.

"Where's Nick?" Janet asked, staring at Ray Gunne.

"Oh. Nick never comes. I heard he had a bad experience at a convention years ago and won't do them."

"Could it be that he's afraid he'll get mobbed by three hundred fanatic women?"

"Probably," Sam laughed. "Though you'd think the male machismo would thoroughly enjoy it. I mean honestly, how do you think one of the guys would act if they were in such an estrogen rich environment?"

"I'd have to surgically reduce their ego," Janet said dryly.

"Exactly."

"And here's our first item up for bid, the script from the pilot episode, 'Children of the Frogs', signed by Nick Marlow, Yolanda Reese, Raymond Gunne and Doug Anderson. So who'll start the bidding?"

Sam watched Yolanda as she walked up and down the aisle, showing the script to anyone interested. "Her hair is too long," Sam complained as the woman passed by.

"Huh?"

"Her hair. I mean the colonel's the military advisor to the show and he lets her get away with it," She complained. "Mine gets a little too long and he starts putting barrettes and frou-frou pony tail holders in my locker."

"He didn't?" Janet asked horrified.

"Yes he did. I caught him one day."

"What'd he say?"

"I didn't say I confronted him, just that I caught him. I returned the favor by picking the lock on his office and leaving Grecian Formula and Just for Men hair color on his desk," Sam grinned impishly.

"That was you?" The colonel had been livid about that joke, stalking through the base for days, threatening retribution. Even General Hammond had enjoyed the show.

"Yep," she said smugly. "But the best part was when I signed him up for AARP. Even paid his first year's dues."

"Sam…"

"And our next item for bid is a pair of pants…Nick Marlow's pants ladies."

There was a huge round of applause as Yolanda Reese came out from backstage wearing the pair of pants. She took the microphone from the emcee. "You know…he's been trying to get in my pants all season," she quipped, strutting down the aisle. Sam craned her neck to get a better look. "So, who wants to join me?"

"Fifty Dollars!" Sam yelled.

"Fifty-five," an Asian woman called from across the room.

"Seventy!"

"Eighty!"

"One Hundred!"

"One Hundred and fifty!"

"Three Hundred!"

"Four Hundred!"

"Sam are you nuts?" Janet tugged at her friend's sleeve.

Sam shook her off. "Five hundred!" she yelled, out bidding the other woman.

"Five Fifty!"

"Seven Fifty!"

"Sam? It's a pair of pants for crying out loud," Janet protested.

"Is that all?" Yolanda asked, standing be Sam. "Nick Marlow…and all he's getting for these pants is seven fifty?"

"Eight!" the Asian woman cried.

"One thousand!" Sam yelled, grabbing Yolanda's arm before she could leave.

"Ten Ben Franklins from the lovely blond on the left…any more?" The other bidder shook her head. "Going once, going twice…SOLD!" the emcee yelled.

Sam got up and followed Yolanda over to the stage. I'll just go get out of these," the actress said. "Congrats honey."

"Thanks," Sam replied as she dug in her pocket for her credit card.

The woman returned bearing the pants and an envelope with a certificate of authenticity. "Here you go. Wear them in good health," she said.

"Yolanda, thanks…one thing," Sam said taking the items from her.

"Yeah?"

"You need a hair cut." She turned and headed back to her seat, bearing her prize.

"I can not believe you just did that," Janet said as Sam reclaimed her seat. "Can I?" She held out her hand. Sam smiled as the doctor stroked the heavy material.

"Now up for bid…Doug would you come out?" Doug Anderson strutted onto the stage barefoot and wearing an autographed pair of pants. "Now ladies. We all know that Grell is worth, far, far more than Colonel Danning…Who wants to open the bidding on his pants?"

"Fifty!" The woman from the corridor called.

"Fifty-five!"

"Seventy!"

"Eighty!"

"One Hundred!" Trish yelled. There was a pause.

"Any more?" The emcee called as Doug stood by the woman, his hands on her shoulders.

"One twenty-five!" With an apologetic shrug Doug got up and crossed the room to the other woman.

"That's it? Only a measly one hundred and twenty five?" There was a pause. The emcee pointed at Trish. "One fifty?" She shook her head. "Come on, what would it take for you to go to one fifty?"

"He'd have to personalize it!" Libya yelled.

"Just how personal do you want it?" Doug asked, sitting on Trish's lap. She leaned up and whispered in his ear. "One fifty right here!" Doug yelled.

"Going once…going twice…SOLD!" the man yelled. Doug grabbed Trish's hand and pulled her back stage past the bemused emcee and amidst the catcalls and applause of the crowd.

"Well…ok. Umm…why don't we move on? I have here next…" The man's face fell. "Doctor Levant's Jacket, complete with patches…signed by Ray Gunne and…worn by Ray Gunne!" The actor strolled out on the stage, bare chested save for a fatigue jacket.

"Oh my god," Janet breathed covering her face with her hands.

"Janet?" Sam asked, puzzled.

"Chest…bare chest," she said, her eyes fixated upon the figure on the stage.

"You're a doctor, you see more than that everyday…"

"But not HIS more than that."

"So who'll…."

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS!" Janet shot to her feet and screamed.

"Janet?"

Ray sauntered over and perched on the brunette's lap. "Five hundred?" he asked incredulously.

Janet sighed and ran her hand over his bare, slightly furred chest. "And worth every penny sweet heart," she drawled in her best Mae West voice.

"Five fifty!" They heard from across the room

"Sorry sugar."

"You just stay right here. Six hundred!"

"Seven!"

Ray got up to leave. "STAY! Eight hundred!" Janet grabbed his wrist in a death grip.

The other woman sat down dejectedly and shook her head. "Going once….Twice…Sold to the lovely lady on the left!"

With a big grin Ray shook off Janet's hand and slowly reached up to grab the tab of the zipper. With a mock bump and grind he pulled it down and slid the jacket of his naked chest. He reached down and draped it over Janet's shoulders then led the woman to the front and the cashier.

"Ok. And the next item we have….."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"I'll have a draft and bring a Caesar for my friend," Jack ordered.

"Jack, what are you doing?" Daniel asked as the waitress walked away.

"Ordering Murray and I a drink."

"Yeah but… a DRINK? One with alcohol? For Murray?"

"Awe come on. We're on vacation. Anyway we know the alcohol won't affect him. All he ever drinks is water. He needs some variety," Jack dismissed looking at the menu. So many pizzas, so little time.

Teal'c returned from the restroom and reclaimed his seat as the waitress brought the drinks. "Are you guys ready to order?"

"Yeah, two large supreme…" Jack stopped and glanced at Murray. There was something about Jaffa digestive tracts and green peppers that just didn't get along, rather explosively. The last time Teal'c had stayed over after eating a supreme pizza, Jack had spent the night on the roof wondering if he should go blow out the pilot lights on his water heater fearing an explosion. He'd burned incense for a week. "Make that one supreme and one all meat," he amended, remembering that the three of them were sharing a room.

"What is this beverage O'Neill?" Teal'c asked picking up the glass of dark red liquid garnished with a celery stalk.

"It's a Caesar. I hear they're good," Jack said innocently. He should have asked for extra hot sauce.

"I once fought Caesar," the Jaffa said examining the glass.

"Aah what?" Daniel asked overwhelmed by the image of Teal'c in a toga.

"Many years ago Apophis challenged Caesar for control of a planet. He succeeded and I was ordered to execute Caesar," Teal'c said, taking a sip of the drink. He frowned a bit then took a larger drink.

"So…can we call you Brutus now?" Jack asked.

"You may call me what you wish O'Neill. I may choose what I answer to. I wish another of these drinks," He said, after gulping it down and wiping his mouth off with the back of his hand.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sam and Janet left the auction room; Sam clutching her pants to her chest while Janet was wearing her newly acquired jacket. "So now what?" Sam asked.

"I don't know. Think the bar's open?"

"It's only 0100, should be."

They walked past the front desk and into the wing where the Thirsty Turtle was. Although it was late, music was spilling from the darkened room. As they approached an oddly familiar voice was heard over the music. Sharing a glance they peeked through the door, past the 'Karaoke Tonight' sign.

"Fifty-five jars of goa'uld on the wall, fifty-five jars of goa'uld…take one down, pass it around, fifty-four jars of goa'uld on the wall…"

"Oh say it ain't so?" Sam asked, fighting the laughter.

"Either that or we're sharing hallucinations," Janet answered staring open mouthed at the sight of the Jaffa crooning into the microphone on the stage. Quickly paying their way in they wound a path through the scattered tables and found Daniel and Jack, both huddled down in a booth.

"Colonel?" Sam said, sliding in beside him. "What's going on?"

"Teal'c is smashed is what's going on," Daniel said, moving over so Janet could sit beside him. He didn't tell them that they'd gotten kicked out of Chicago Pizza after Teal'c's fifth Caesar. That was a story best left for later times, like when he needed to blackmail Jack out of something.

"Teal'c doesn't get drunk. Junior won't let him," Janet said.

"If he's not drunk, explain that," Jack requested pointing at the large figure gyrating on the stage. Actually his voice was pretty good.

"A potential breach of national security?" Sam said. "Why don't you just stop him?"

"Stop him Carter? When was the last time you stopped Teal'c from doing something?"

Janet rolled her eyes. "You guys make things way too difficult," she said, getting up and making her way to the stage. There was a whispered conversation between she and the stage manager and the music came to an abrupt halt. Amidst a loud chorus of groans and sighs of relief it started again.

"Wild thing…you make my heart sing…" Teal'c started to sing, waving his arm invitingly. Immediately two women hurried onto the stage, one of them Sam recognized from the auction and saw that she was wearing Grell's pants. They immediately started to dance.

"Oh for cryin out loud," Jack exclaimed imagining explaining the spectacle to General Hammond…or worse, the man's superiors.

"I'll go get him," Daniel said. "We should get him into a room before he decides to start stripping or something."

The archaeologist made his way onto the stage and joined Janet in trying to separate Teal'c from the women and drag him off the stage.

"So Carter…whatcha you got there?" Jack asked, noting the item that Sam had set on the table.

She blushed, horrified. She'd forgotten that she'd brought it with her. "Oh. Nothing sir." She tried to pull the pants off the table and back into her lap.

"Nothing? This doesn't look like noting," He took the pants from her and held them up, trying to see in the dim light. "Fatigues? What the hell are you doing with fatigues? We are on vacation you know."

"Yeah of course. Right. I…give them back sir," Sam reached for them, which prompted Jack to hold them higher.

"Aah. Aah. Aah. Not just yet Major." He pulled back. "You want them too badly. What's the scoop?"

"Nothing Colonel. Now give them back," she demanded, making a lunge for the article of clothing. He pulled them higher and she ended up landing almost on top of him, their faces just inches away. There was an awkward moment as they both stared into each other's eyes.

"Now you see Petty, THAT is what they need on the show. Danning can lust after Stacy as much as he wants but if there's no chemistry it just doesn't work," a woman said, yanking the pants from Jack's hands and giving them to Sam.

"You're right Sue. You ought to go find Joe and tell him," Petty replied, giving Jack an appraising look. "Maybe they can kill off Nick and cast this guy? He's cute."

The two women left the bar as Daniel and Janet returned, nearly dragging a clearly intoxicated Teal'c.

"Jack, we need to go." Daniel nodded towards the bar manager. "I don't think the general will like it if we get busted for disturbing the peace.

"What? Oh yeah right. We should…." He broke contact as Sam also lurched back, banging her head on the back of the booth.

"Ow. Right Daniel, let's go," She said, sliding out of the booth rubbing the back of her head.

"Carter. Here." Jack held out the pants that she'd forgotten about.

She took them gratefully. "Thanks," she muttered as the quintet fled the bar.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Several women were in the lobby of the Richmond Inn, gathered around the message board trying to see which actors were going to speak later in the day.

"Trish. I can not believe you're wearing those pants," Denise said enviously.

"Are you kidding, she slept in them," Libya chimed in.

"And I have never slept so good," Trish said a broad smile on her face.

"Good morning all," Sue said as she and Petty joined them. "Who's speaking today?"

"We don't know, the schedule's still up from last night," Denise replied. "Maybe Becky has an idea."

Becky and Mumsey joined them. "An idea about what?"

"Who's speaking today? The schedule doesn't say."

"I heard it was a surprise," Mumsey replied.

"Well whoever it is, Lems and I are going over to Horizons for dinner tonight, y'all want to join us?" Denise asked.

Before anyone could answer five figures staggered through the lobby. "I'm going to take T…Murray out to the car," a young man said, helping a large black man who bore all the ear marks of imbibing way too much.

"You know Sam, I don't think it was the alcohol. I think maybe it was something else in the drink that made him sick," a petite brunette said as the gray haired man dealt with paying for the rooms.

"You mean he might be able to get drunk off of Clamato juice or something?" The tall blonde woman asked.

"It's likely. I mean his system is different than ours. You can put one perfume on three women and it smells different on all of them."

"Something to bear in mind huh sir? Keep Murray away from the Clamato juice," She said to the older man.

"Whatever Carter. I just know that if word of this gets back to Hammond I'm gonna make sure the shopping sprees of a pair of majors becomes common knowledge," he threatened as the trio walked out of the hotel. "It's bad enough that I'm going to have to explain us getting asked to stay elsewhere."

The same moment a bevy of burley security guards strode through the lobby guiding the four stars of Wormhole Extreme to the meeting room. As they passed, the members of the group looked from them to the exiting people and back.

"You don't?" Denise asked.

"Nah. No way," Sue answered.

"Just a coincidence," Petty confirmed, staring at the retreating group.

"Come on guys, let's go grab a seat before we're stuck way, way back in the back VIP tickets or not," Denise said, ushering the group towards the meeting room and the rest of the convention.

Fin


	2. It's an Experience

It's an Experience

By

Denise

"No. No. No. No. And in case you didn't hear me H.." Jack paused, seeing Hammond's steely gaze. "Heck no, sir," he said, his voice lowering.

"I can understand your reluctance, Colonel. And after reviewing the reports from last year, I have to admit I share it. However, my orders are crystal clear." The older, balding man slid four folders across the large oak table. "Someone, and I have no idea who," the man muttered. "Was so impressed by your...performance last year that they have asked for you to attend Wormcon again this year and speak in your capacity as the show's military advisor."

"General. I'm sorry. I tried to not," Jack said, breaking off as he realized what he was admitting. "Aren't we too busy, sir? Surely there's some impending disaster or something. If not I'm sure Carter could rig one up."

"Sir," Sam protested.

Hammond sighed and shot Jack a quelling look. "You're going, Jack. That's final." He got to his feet. "You leave tomorrow morning. And Colonel, keep Teal'c away from the clamato juice this time." Shaking his head, the general retreated into his office. Through the glass window, Jack could see him reach into his lower desk drawer and bent over, obviously tipping something into his coffee cup.

With a nod of his head, Jack ushered his team out of the briefing room. "What exactly is Wormcon?" Jonas asked, flipping through the folder.

"It's a convention," Sam said, a suspicious bounce in her steps.

"Convention?"

"A gathering of like minded individuals. In this case, all fans of the show Wormhole Extreme," Teal'c explained.

"OH. Wow. I've watched that show. Have you guys noticed something familiar about it? I mean, it sorta reminds me of us," he said, not catching Jack's rolling eyes and Sam's smothered grin.

"Teal'c will explain it all to you," Jack said, picking up the pace and walking away. "Wheels up at Peterson at 0800," he called over his shoulders.

Sam looked at her watch. "Oh. I have to go pack. Catch up with you guys in the morning," she said, taking off at a jog.

"Aah.." Jonas turned to Teal'c. "She didn't."

"Jonas Quinn?"

"Well, what color do we wear?" he asked plaintively.

Teal'c grinned slightly; his chocolate eyes alight with amusement. "I shall show you, Jonas Quinn." He threw his arm over Jonas' shoulder, not noticing the man oomphing a bit at the sudden weight. "Come to my quarters."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Janet sat at her desk, writing in a chart. She looked up as someone walked in and shut the door. "Sam? What's going on?"

Sam bounced across the room and did a little jig in front of the desk. "We're going," she said, her face split in a wide grin.

"Really?"

Sam nodded, moving her arms in an imitation of a mamba. "Orders came in. Colonel O'Neill has to speak at the con, and we're going." She laughed and high fived the doctor.

"How the hell did you pull that one off? I thought the JCS were embarrassed at what happened last year."

"Oh they were. But...Uncle Fitz will do anything for his little Sammie," she said.

"Uncle Fitz?"

"He's a friend of my Uncle Irving. Old drinking buddies. Who used to…get...funky when they drank. And when you mix that with a precocious 10 year old girl with a Polaroid camera." She waggled her eyebrows suggestively.

Janet shook her head. "So. When do we go?"

"Wheels up at 0800," Sam said, flouncing towards the door. "I gotta go home and get my pants. Do not forget Ray's jacket," she tossed over her shoulder.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Jack walked into the hotel room, Jonas and Teal'c hot on his heels. "Aahah," he said as Jonas set his bag down on the first bed. "You get the one by the window."

"Ok," the Kelownan said, moving his stuff.

"Is there anything requiring our presence, O'Neill?" Teal'c asked, placing his bag on the floor by the sliding glass door. They'd been given a ground floor room that looked out into the courtyard and swimming pool.

"Today? No," Jack said, checking his watch. "We've been booked on the locations tour though." Jack held up three tickets. "They said it'd be a good way to see a bit of the city."

"Location?" Jonas asked, bouncing on his bed.

'Locations, places where they shoot outside," Jack explained.

"I wonder if we'll get to see the beach from Water and Fire or maybe the hospital from Thin Man," he enthused.

"I dunno," Jack said, rolling his eyes. "Look, It's almost 2200 at home. I need food. Let's go get some dinner and turn in. Tomorrow's gonna be a long day."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Wait, wait, turn here," Sam instructed from the passenger seat. She held on tight as Janet took a quick look, then twisted the wheel, nearly taking the turn on two wheels.

"Can I have a little more warning next time," Janet complained, wincing at the dirty looks from the other drivers.

"Sorry. This is not the best map in the world."

"That's ok. How far away are we?"

"Umm...I think…there it is." Sam pointed out the large forested area correctly identified as Stanley Park. "Told you we'd find it."

"Right. Only three wrong turns and two bridges later," Janet groused good naturedly, parking their small rental car. Like Colonel O'Neill and the rest, they'd been offered location tour tickets, but they'd decided that they could do better on their own. So armed with a city map and a rental car, the two women had set off to explore Vancouver.

"So, they're filming here?" Sam asked, getting out of the car.

"Yeah. At least that's what the signs are supposed to mean." She pointed out a neon arrow nailed to a nearby light pole. The letters WX were stenciled on it; supposedly signifying that Wormhole X-treme was filming in this area.

"Well, let's go find out," Sam said, slinging her bag over her shoulder. She headed off in the direction of the arrow, Janet hurrying to catch up.

"What are we going to do when we find them?" the doctor asked, shoving her hands deeper into the pockets of her Ray Gunne autographed jacket.

Sam shrugged. "I don't know. Watch for a bit. I mean, haven't you ever wondered what it looks like to do a TV show?"

"Honestly...no."

"If what I read was right, they should be filming the finale right about now. Don't you want to see what happens?"

"I will. In March. In the comfort of my living room," Janet said.

"Janet."

"Sam, it's just...you didn't say anything about tramping through the woods. I thought we were going to drive around a bit, hit a mall or two and get back in time for the party tonight."

"Ok. I'll keep it short," Sam conceded, acknowledging that her friend's enthusiasm level didn't quite meet her own. "We'll give it another half hour, see if we can find anything, then go back to the car and head to the mall." They walked on for a few more minutes, Sam very grateful for her clunkier walking shoes. "You know what's weird," she asked her friend. "This looks just like PXY887," she remarked, taking in the old moss covered trees and dense undergrowth.

"Really? I thought it looked more like PJ2455," Janet said.

"Do you think so?"

"Yeah, that or P8X987."

"I don't know, I think it reminds me of." Sam broke off as they reached the edge of the treeline. In the clearing they could see several trailers and trucks, with people milling around in an amusing conglomeration of costumes and normal Earth dress. "Bingo," Sam said.

"This is it?"

"This is the circus. And where there's a circus, there's a show."

"What are we going to do now?"

Sam shrugged. "Lurk in the trees and hope they don't kick us out?" she suggested.

Janet rolled her eyes. "Sam."

"I don't want to get in the way. Why don't we see if we can get closer, maybe see something?" Janet agreed and the two women started making their way through the trees.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Jack sat in the bus seat, biting back the rude remark as a fellow tour goer walked past, conking him on the back of his head with her hefty camera bag.

"Are you not coming, O'Neill," Teal'c asked.

"Nah. Seen one sulfur pit, seen them all. Keep an eye on Jonas," he ordered. Teal'c nodded and left, leaving Jack alone on the bus. He sat back, stretching out a bit, wincing as his bad knee protested being cooped up all day.

"Long day huh?" Jack turned in to see a woman sitting a couple of rows back.

"Yeah. Why aren't you--" He jerked his thumb towards the group of people gathered around a large pile of bright yellow sulfur.

"I was here last year," she excused. "Were you? I mean, you look familiar."

"Umm…no. I aah, wasn't," Jack said.

"Oh. That's too bad. We had a great time last year."

The group started to re-board the bus, talking animatedly amongst themselves as they found their seats and changed their film rolls.

"Isn't that amazing?" Jonas said, retaking his seat. "How they can make a pile of sulfur look like a whole other planet."

"Yeah, thrilling," Jack said, glancing at his watch again. Thank God the day was nearly over. He'd sat in intergalactic negotiations that were less tedious then the last eight hours had been. Actually, to be honest, the tour was fine, he got to see parts of Vancouver that he hadn't even known had existed. And it was sorta neat to see how they could use the magic of special effects to turn an ordinary building here on Earth into a palace on an alien planet. It was just being trapped in the company of 48 other people that was trying his patience.

"Well, we're due at the studio in about an hour," the tour guide said, glancing at her watch and reading off a crumpled piece of paper. "On the way, we're going to go right past Levant's apartment that you got to see in Holy Day when he hosted the rest of his team for Christmas Dinner." Excitement bubbled through the various tourists. "Now, the street is really narrow so we can't drive down it." People, including Jonas, moaned in disappointment. "What we can do is drive by the street that it's on. It's going to be up here in just a minute."

"And it's on the RIGHT side of the bus," a voice heckled, drawing a mish-mash of giggles and groans. Jack had to agree with her, most of the sights in their drive by tour had been on the right side of the bus. Grateful that he was seated on the far-left side, Jack watched Jonas jockey for position, trying to catch a shot of the building through the window of the bus. The pictures were taken and the bus continued winding its way towards Bridge Studios.

"You know, I'd swear I know you from somewhere," the woman said.

"I've just got one of those faces," Jack said, ignoring Teal'c's smug look.

"Perhaps she recognized you from last year, O'Neill," the Jaffa said, ignoring Jack's killing look.

"I thought you said you weren't here last year?"

"I wasn't."

"He was not attending the convention, rather he spoke," Teal'c said, his dark eyes mischievous.

"Murray, I am so gonna kick your--"

"Ooh. I know who you are!" she said loudly. "You're the military advisor right?"

"What?"

"Who is he?"

"I thought he looked familiar."

"Do you know Nick Marlowe?"

"Can I have your autograph?"

Jack cringed, fighting the urge to crawl under the seat to escape the onslaught of women.

"Hey, look, it's the studio!" The women abandoned him, piling off the bus and leaving Jack alone. Slowly straightening up Jack stared at the people gathered in front of the ten-foot tall chain link fence.

"Are you injured, O'Neill?"

"Fine, Teal'c. I'm just fine," Jack ground out. "No thanks to you."

"Wow, Colonel. They really like you," Jonas said.

Shooting him a dark look, Jack got to his feet. "I'm gonna get some air." He walked up the aisle and stepped off the bus, pausing to stretch. Beyond the milling people he could see members of the cast and crew walking back and forth on the lot. Occasionally one of them would look at the fence and Jack saw one of the security guards speak into her walkie-talkie.

A few minutes later, Dan Cray, who Jack recognized as the stunt coordinator came out. A production assistant followed him and they both paused to talk to the fans. Already having heard all the anecdotes the man was telling them, Jack wandered off, Teal'c following him.

Although he'd only been to the set a few times, he could tell that some of the people were gone, the circus being more empty space than white trailers. A couple of stunt people walked by, giving Jack a curious look.

"O'Neill, is that not a zatnikatel?" Teal'c asked quietly.

"What?"

"That man is wearing a zatnikatel."

"They don't use zats on the show, they use ray guns."

"Of that I am aware. However, that IS a zatnikatel."

Jack looked, studying closely. "Crap," he muttered, pushing his hands through his hair. The last time he'd visited the set, they'd just come back from off world, he hadn't even had time to change from his BDU's, or drop his zat off at the weapons locker.

"I was not aware that your advising for the show included the sharing of technology."

"It doesn't."

"Then what does this mean?"

"Hey, look what I got!" Jonas jogged towards them, a T-shirt in his hands. "They threw them over the fence. Isn't it cool?"

"It means I screwed up, and I have to fix it before anyone finds out," Jack said.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Why do I feel like I'm in some bad spy movie or something?" Janet asked, following Sam through the undergrowth.

"What do you mean?"

"We're sneaking around like stalkers," the doctor complained.

"We're not sneaking."

"We're not?"

"We're being discrete."

"Is that what they call it?"

"Janet. They're filming. We can't just barge onto their set and disrupt things," Sam said, looking over her shoulder at her friend as she broke through the undergrowth.

"CUT! Who the hell are you?"

"Oh, my god," Sam muttered, staring wide eyed at the large group of people staring right back at her.

"Ed, I thought you were supposed to be security?"

"What? I'm supposed to anticipate people walking out of the bushes and set up a 360 perimeter?"

"That'd be a nice place to start."

"Let's get out of here," Sam said, stepping backwards.

"No argument from me," Janet agreed.

"Hang on a second." One of the people left the group and walked towards them.

"I'm really sorry. We'll just leave," Sam apologized.

"Oh my god," Janet whispered.

"What?"

"You look familiar," the man said, walking up to them. He was dressed casually in civilian clothes, carrying a silver and black insulated cup.

"Janet?"

"Ray," she gasped out, clutching at Sam's sleeve.

"Ray?"

"That's my name, don't wear it out," the man quipped.

"Oh," Sam said, recognizing the man. "You're Doctor Levant?"

"Actually I'm Ray Gunne, I play Doctor Levant," he said, a broad grin on his face.

"We messed things up, we're sorry," Sam said while Janet stood silently beside her.

He snorted. "Please. Nick was just goofing off."

"Nick's here?" Sam said, clutching Janet's hand.

"Yeah. We're about to break for lunch. You want to meet him?"

"Umm…aah."

"She means yes," Janet said, pushing forward.

"Well, come on then," Ray invited, waving his arm. Sharing an amazed look, the two women followed him into the organized chaos.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"How'd they get a hold of a zat?" Jonas asked, sitting down in the booth, his plate heaped with food from the buffet.

"Colonel O'Neill had it upon his person the last time he visited the set," Teal'c said, his plate just as full as Jonas'.

"Wow. That's pretty careless," Jonas said softly, eyeing the man in question who was at the buffet filling his plate. "I mean, it took them three months before they'd even let me leave the base, and they let him take stuff that isn't supposed to exist."

Teal'c didn't answer as Jack joined them. The colonel sat down and picked at his food, his face pensive. "Of what are you thinking, O'Neill?"

"I'm wondering how I can get back onto the set and get the zat," he said.

"Why don't you just ask them?" Jonas said.

"And have them know that they have a priceless piece of tech? We're lucky that no one's played with it and shot anyone."

"Then how will you reacquire the item?"

"I was thinking...security looked pretty lame," Jack said softly.

"You're going to break in?" Jonas asked loudly.

Jack held up a warning finger. "I do not believe that approach will be successful," Teal'c said.

"Look, I've seen their prop room. They have so much stuff they'll never even notice that it's gone," Jack reasoned. The Jaffa rolled his eyes and shared a knowing look with Jonas.

"We do not have transportation. How shall we get there?" Teal'c asked.

"There's a rental place in the hotel. I'll rent a car." Jack got up, throwing some money to cover the bill on the table. "I'm gonna go take care of a couple of things. We leave at 2200."

Teal'c and Jonas watched him leave. "I don't think this is going to work," Jonas said.

"I believe you are correct, Jonas Quinn," Teal'c said.

"What are we going to do? He won't listen to us."

"I shall attempt to make contact with Major Carter. If that does not succeed we shall...improvise."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Thanks guys. We'll meet you there," Janet said, waving goodbye as the car drove off. She turned to Sam; her eyes alight with anticipation. "I can't believe it. We're actually going out to dinner with them," she enthused, leading Sam into the hotel.

"Yeah," Sam said, frowning a bit.

"What's wrong?"

"I packed for three days in Canada, chaperoning aliens…not dinner in a nice restaurant," Sam said, making a face.

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Well, then there's just one thing to do."

"What?"

"Shopping," the doctor said in a singsong voice. She grabbed Sam's hand and pulled her out the door. The pair of them ran across the street, making a beeline towards the mall.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Jack parked the rental car in the hotel parking lot across the street from the studio. It was late and it looked like the place had finally shut down for the night. They'd already driven by twice, both times discovering people milling around and lights on, signifying that they were still filming. Now the studio grounds were abandoned, the windows of the buildings dark and silent.

"Ok," Jack said, pulling the keys from the ignition. "Here we are."

"Indeed," Teal'c said.

"So, What's the plan?" Jonas said from the back seat, leaning forward.

"We go in, we get the zat, we come out and go back to the hotel," Jack said, getting out of the car.

"That sounds like a bad plan," Jonas remarked, clambering out of the back seat.

"It does lack a certain amount of detail," Teal'c agreed.

"Ah come on. This is a TV studio, not a military base. Trust me. If I can get in and out of Cheyenne Mountain undetected, this is a piece of cake." Jack jogged across the street, Jonas and Teal'c hanging back. They watched their leader shoot the locked front gate a look, then veer off to his right; He got down on his knees and rolled under the large gate.

"Shouldn't we help him?" Jonas asked.

Sirens wailed and a dog began to bark. As they watched, several security guards surrounded Jack. After a few minutes, he was led away, disappearing into one of the buildings. "No. We should not," Teal'c answered.

"You knew this would happen, didn't you?" Jonas asked.

"I suspected after over hearing several members of the crew at the hotel speaking about how security had been heightened due to the gathering of fans."

"And you let him do it anyway?"

"Once his mind is set upon an action, O'Neill is most difficult to dissuade. We shall return to the hotel and elicit Major Carter's aid in freeing O'Neill."

Jonas shrugged. "I don't suppose you thought to get the car keys from him."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sam and Janet walked into Horizons; not quite sure if the heads that turned were caused by them or their companion. A car sent by Ray had picked them up at the hotel and taken them across town and up Burnaby Mountain to the restaurant located at the top. The sun was just starting to set and Sam could tell that the view was going to be spectacular.

"I'm sorry Nick couldn't come. He had to catch a plane," Ray excused.

"That's right, he goes home every weekend doesn't he?" Janet said.

"Yeah. Actually, we were running late today, usually he's gone by noon on Fridays." They were led back to their table and Sam frowned at the setting for four. "I've arranged for someone else to join us," Ray said.

"Really? Who?" Sam asked.

"Mo Jacozzi, he's one of the writers," Ray said as they were seated. "I talked to him after you guys left and since his wife is out of town visiting her family, he agreed to come along."

"Wow, that's nice of him," Janet said.

"He was very excited about coming. I don't know if either of you play around online, but Mo loves to talk to people." They chatted for a few more minutes, ordering drinks as they waited for their last dinner guest.

"Sorry, traffic was murder on the bridge," a voice said. Sam turned, an all too familiar feeling creeping down her spine as she faced their dinner companion. The sharply dressed man paused, quirking his head a bit as he pasted a smile on his face.

"Hey, Mo. We ordered drinks but waited for you," Ray said, not picking up on the tension.

"Sam?" Janet asked.

Sam shook her head. "Nice to meet you," she said, holding out her hand to Mo. The man took it, shaking it gently. "I'm Mo Jacozzi," he introduced.

"Sam Carter, and this is my friend, Janet Fraiser."

Mo took his seat as Sam shared a look with Janet. The waiter appeared and they quickly ordered their dinners. After talking for a few more minutes, Ray invited Janet outside to take a look around the rose garden before the sun set totally.

"Who are you?" Sam asked tightly, striving to keep her voice low.

"I could ask the same of you," he replied, smiling as he took a sip of his drink.

"I could make a phone call and have you in custody in half an hour," she said, smiling sweetly.

He sighed softly and shook his head. "I am called Mohra, my host is Jason. You however, are not blended anymore."

"No. Mohra...When Jolinar knew you, your host was Kasra."

"Ah. Jolinar. That is a name I have not heard…in many years," he said.

"How…how did you get on Earth? How long have you been here?" Sam asked, relaxing a bit as she realized that her dinner companion was more of a friend than a foe.

"My craft crashed on this planet three centuries ago."

"The gate's been here that long. Why haven't you tried to get home?"

He chuckled a bit. "You're assuming that I want to go home."

Sam's eyebrows shot up. "You don't?"

He shook his head. "No. I like it here."

"I thought all Tok'ra lived for defeating the goa'uld once and for all?"

"Given the vastness of the universe, do you really think that one more soldier will tip the scale?" he asked.

"I..."

"Perfect timing," Janet said, taking her seat beside Sam.

"I think our food is here," Ray said.

"So, what'd you guys find to talk about?" Janet asked softly.

"It's a long story," Sam whispered back, sharing a look with Mo. "A very long story."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"It appears that neither Major Carter or Doctor Fraiser are in their room or at the hotel," Teal'c said hanging up the pay phone.

"So, what do we do now?" Jonas asked.

Teal'c looked around, scanning their surroundings. They were just across the street from the studio, using the phone in the hotel. "I do not think it is wise for us to make our connection known with O'Neill."

"No. I mean, the last thing we need is to get into trouble. And anyway, if we get caught, who's going to call Sam for help?" Jonas reasoned.

Teal'c nodded. "Since we can not establish contact, I believe the next course of action is to return to the hotel and wait for Major Carter or Doctor Fraiser to return." He walked out of the hotel, Jonas hot on his heels.

"You do know where we're going don't you?" he asked worriedly.

"The hotel is located to the East of the studio," Teal'c said, striding down the street. He walked a bit, then paused and looked around.

"What's wrong?"

"I am, however, uncertain of the method for determining east when there is no sun," the Jaffa admitted.

"Oh," Jonas replied. "This could be a problem then."

"Indeed, Jonas Quinn, indeed."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"If I'd have known the Air Force recruited people like you, I'd have thought twice before becoming an actor," Ray said, getting a skeptical look from Sam and Janet.

"Ignore him, he gets cliché when he's drunk," Mo excused. "So, what does bring you ladies here?" he asked as the waiter removed the remains of their dinner.

"She's a big fan," Janet said, earning her a killing look from Sam.

"You're the one with the DVD player."

"You pulled strings to get Colonel O'Neill here," Janet bickered.

"You know Colonel O'Neill?" Mo interrupted.

"He's her CO," Janet said.

"Oh, so that's who you are?" Ray said.

"Excuse me?"

"Every time he's on the set, he drives Yolanda nuts. He keeps telling her she's doing it wrong, that a major in the Air Force does it 'this way' and on and on. She was ready to deck him last time."

"Really?" Sam asked, ignoring Janet's sniggering laugh.

"Yeah, as a matter of fact." He broke off, reaching for his beeper. He read the scrolling message, his eyes going wide. "Umm…I can't believe this but I've got to go." He waved for the check.

"What's wrong?" Ray asked.

"Someone apparently broke into the studio lot," Mo said. "And since Tad and Bob are out of town, I need to go deal with it."

"Well then, I'll go with you," Ray said, standing up rather unsteadily.

"Maybe you should…"

"We could drive him," Janet offered. "Follow you to the studio and then go on to the hotel on our own."

Mo shrugged. "Works for me." They paid their bill and left the restaurant.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Jack sat in the hard plastic chair fiddling with his watch. This was ridiculous. This was embarrassing. This was annoying. No, what was annoying was the fact that Jonas and Teal'c had bailed on him. So much for no one gets left behind. Danged aliens.

He looked at the dartboard hanging behind the closed door and looked casually around for the darts. Finding some, he got to his feet and began throwing them, silently keeping score every time he got one between the eyes of the hapless person whose picture was on the board.

He was on his third round of darts when the door opened. "Mo," he said, recognizing the writer. "Look, this has all been a misunderstanding."

"That's what I'm hearing," Mo said, closing the door. "If you wanted to see the set, Colonel, why didn't you just ask?"

"Oh, well it was just a spur of the moment thing. Actually, I was aah…I thought I saw someone milling around that didn't belong."

"So, you crawled under the gate instead of calling for help?"

"It was one of those spur of the moment things."

Mo nodded skeptically, then smiled. "You are lucky that Yolanda isn't here," he said, opening the office door. "Do me a favor, Colonel. Next time…call."

"Thanks," Jack said grabbing his jacket. He started towards the exit, stopping when Mo called him back.

"Your friends are taking a look around the set."

"Friends?" Jack asked, getting a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. "They're not two guys, one tall, one always smiling?"

Mo shook his head. "No. Sam and Janet. We were at dinner when security called me."

"Carter and Doc are here?"

"Ray's showing them around." Mo led the way down the stairs and into the actual set of the show. Jack felt a sense of déjà vu as he walked through the mock up of the control room. It looked real. He almost felt like he could sit down at one of the consoles and dial up a planet.

Looking at one of the keyboards he frowned, then looked again to make sure he saw things correctly. "Aah, Mo."

"Oh, yeah. Our prop guys like to have fun," Mo said, laughing at the colorful sayings the keys spelled out. "Don't worry, it's too tiny, you can't see it on TV."

"That's good. I mean, if our keyboards said that, we'd...never hear the end of it."

Mo snorted. "That's nothing. You should see what some of the briefing files say." Mo led Jack through the gate room and into a maze of corridors, some going places, others ending abruptly at a false wall. Jack trailed his hand along the cement wall, surprised to discover that it was merely painted plywood that looked like concrete. They walked through the infirmary, the realistic looking machines giving Jack pause. Leaving the tiny, ceiling-less room, they followed the voices, catching up with Sam and Janet in the replica of Carter's lab.

"So this is what you two ran off to do," Jack said hoping to keep the conversation away from why he was here.

"Colonel O'Neill," Janet said, moving away from a smiling Ray.

"What are you doing here, sir?" Sam asked, frowning at Mo.

"Just aah..."

"You're the security breech," Ray said, breaking out into peals of laughter. "Man, you're lucky Yolanda isn't here. She promised to kick your..."

"Colonel, where are Jonas and…Murray?" Sam asked.

"Who?" Mo said.

"They're waiting at the car," Jack explained giving Sam a meaningful look.

"Then I guess we should go," she said, getting the hint. "Mo, thank you for dinner. Ray, it was great to meet you."

"Yes, it was fun," Janet agreed.

"You two ever want to take a look around, give me a call." Mo handed Janet and Sam his card. The two women thanked him and followed Jack out of the studio and across the street to where he'd parked his rental car.

"Do I even want to know what you two are up to?" Jack asked.

"No, sir you don't," Sam said. "At least we weren't taken into custody."

"Carter. If you tell anyone..."

"Colonel, didn't you say you left Teal'c and Jonas at the car?" Janet asked, interrupting them.

"Yeah. The cowards," Jack said.

"Well then, where are they?"

They looked at the locked and cold car, its windshield streaked with condensation. The signs obvious that the car hadn't moved since Jack had parked it hours ago.

"Umm."

"You lost them?"

"I didn't lose them. They were right here."

"They're not now."

"It's not my fault that they can't obey orders. We'll just call the police and have them look for them."

"What are we going to tell them? To keep their eyes open for two aliens, one of them with a big tattoo and a stow away in his stomach," Sam asked. "This is bad, sir. Really bad."

Jack sighed and pulled the keys from his pocket. "Let's go look for them. If we're lucky they walked straight back to the hotel." The trio piled into the rental car and drove off, hoping to find their quarry before anyone else did.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Teal'c paused, waiting for Jonas to catch up. At this rate, it would take them hours to make their way back to the hotel. They'd finally gotten directions from a friendly convenience store clerk and after a couple of wrong turns, were now making their way down Knight Street. He figured that they were about half way back to the hotel. However, their chances of attaining their goal before morning lessened every time they passed some sort of food establishment and Jonas Quinn expressed the desire to sample their wares.

"Want some?" he asked, walking up to Teal'c and holding out a small black tray.

"What is it?"

"Sushi." He popped one of the rolls into his mouth. "It's different. And not something they've ever served in the commissary."

"Of that I am sure." Teal'c waved off his offer. They started walking down the street. The sun had long since set and the streetlights were the only source of illumination now. Traffic had lessened a bit, but was still going along at a decent pace.

"How much further?" Jonas asked around a mouthful of rice.

"Approximately seven kilometers."

"That's not very far."

"True. However we must navigate Highway 91, which is not appropriate for pedestrian travel."

"So, what are we going to do?"

"I do not..."

"Hey, you look familiar." He turned to see two women walking towards him. "Have we met?" she asked.

"I do not believe so," Teal'c answered.

"Yeah we did," the second one insisted. "Last year. Wild Thing in the Thirsty Turtle."

"Thirsty Turtle?" Jonas asked. "Isn't that the name of the bar at the hotel?"

"I do not recall having made your acquaintance."

"That's because you were a little…well…"

"Libya, he was drunk. My name is Trish," she introduced. "You guys are lost, aren't ya?" she asked.

"We are not. We know exactly where we are," Teal'c said.

"But we do need transportation back to the hotel," Jonas piped up.

"Car's around the corner, come on guys," Trish invited. She and Libya each grabbed a man and pulled them towards the waiting vehicle.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Jack followed Janet and Sam through the doors of the hotel, watching as Sam hurried over to the front desk and checked for messages. "What were you two doing with Mo?" Jack asked the doctor.

"Eating dinner, Colonel," Janet answered.

"There's no messages," Sam said, walking back towards them. "Now what, sir?"

Jack shrugged, scratching his head. "I guess wait and see if they make it back. If they're not here by morning, we'll go looking for them."

"What are we going to tell the general?" Sam asked.

"Other than following orders seems to be an alien concept to…"

"Oh my god," Janet said, causing Jack to turn around. Teal'c was walking into the hotel lobby, carrying a moaning Jonas Quinn and trailed by two women. "What happened?" she demanded, snapping into full doctor mode.

"I believe it is something he ingested," Teal'c said.

"What'd he eat?" Sam asked.

"It's more like what he didn't eat, sugar," Trish piped up.

"Or do," Libya said.

"Sweet and sour pork, shrimp chow mein, cheesecake, jalapeno ice cream and sushi are the items I can recall," Teal'c reported.

Jack looked at his watch. "I only left you guys three hours ago."

"Jonas Quinn can be most enthusiastic when pursuing new tactile and sensory experiences."

"Let's get him to his room so I can check him out," Janet said.

Jack followed, reaching into his pocket for his room key. He was torn between relief at finding the missing aliens, and apprehension that something was really wrong with Jonas.

"I'm sorry, sir. I should have warned you," Sam said, walking at his side.

"Warned me about what?"

"His name should be Mikey. He WILL eat anything," she said. "At least we found them."

"There is that. Now how do I explain to Hammond why he's sick?" Jack asked.

"Trust me, sir. He'll understand." Jack shot her a curious look. "Our room service bill in Steveston was over two hundred dollars."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Did you get them?" Janet asked as Sam sank into her seat.

"Yep. And I got the last ones." Sam carefully pulled two 8x10 glossy color pictures out of the envelope. "Isn't this a great shot of Nick and Ray?"

"He's so cute," Janet enthused, taking her copy of the picture. "Do you think Ray will sign it?"

"Of course he will. He'll sign anything. It's too bad Nick doesn't come. It'd be great to have both of their signatures."

"Who's up first?" Janet asked, carefully tucking her picture away. Although she'd spent a good part of the night making sure that Jonas wasn't sick beyond an upset stomach, she'd still gotten up early to make sure they had good seats for the morning's panel.

"The colonel," Sam said, nodding towards her CO on the stage who was just finishing his allotted hour of speaking time, the faint shadows from his sleepless night evident. "Then a surprise guest, and then I think they're breaking for photos and autographs and Ray and Doug this afternoon."

Janet smiled, examining her jacket. "Then I should be able to get all but Nick and Yolanda's signature on my jacket."

"Ssh," the woman sitting next to them chastised.

With an apologetic smile, Sam and Janet fell silent, both listening to the last of the colonel's talk. "At least he's doing better than last year," Sam whispered after a few minutes studying the figure on the stage. The colonel was wearing his dress blues and, while he still fiddled with the mic, he did seem more comfortable than the last time.

"Yeah," Janet agreed. "Another year and he'll be a pro."

As they watched, the emcee came out onto the stage, ushering Jack off and introducing Yolanda, much to the surprise and enjoyment of the fans. "I thought she wasn't coming this year?" Janet said.

"She's just stopping by for an hour or two," the woman sitting beside them said. "She's on her way to the airport for a vacation."

They listened to Yolanda talk then Janet shook Sam's arm. "Maybe if I can catch her in the hall, she'll sign my jacket," the doctor said. The two women hurried out into the hall. Yolanda was walking along, her husband at her side as she hurried out the door and towards the waiting car.

"Yolanda!" Sam called. The woman turned back. Sam held out a marker. "Could you sign her jacket please?"

"Sure," she said, taking the marker and scrawling her signature on Janet's jacket sleeve. "You…you were here last year, weren't you?" she asked Sam.

"Umm, yeah." She plucked at the pants she was wearing. "I got Nick's pants."

"Right. Right. You know…you were right…about the hair," Yolanda said. "Our advisor should have caught that."

"Oh, well I'm sure he was going to," Sam

"If you say so," she shrugged. "You enjoy the rest of the weekend."

"You too," Sam said, her sentiment echoed by Janet. The actress and her husband walked away . Sam saw Jack step out from the small crowd and speak a couple of words to the woman. Her mouth dropped open as she saw Yolanda speak a couple of words, then turn her back, obviously snubbing him.

"Mo wasn't kidding, was he?" Janet asked.

"Apparently not," Sam agreed.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sam sighed, sinking into the steaming water. "Feels good, huh?" Janet asked.

"Just what the doctor ordered," Sam quipped leaning back against the side of the hot tub. She was tired, and she knew Janet had to feel even worse. They'd both had a long day of listening to speakers and standing in lines for autographs and pictures. And Sam knew that she at least had had the luxury of retreating to their room once the doctor had determined that Jonas' illness was simply a matter of too much food.

"I wonder what the colonel did to Yolanda to make her mad?" Janet asked, reaching for her drink that was sitting on the edge of the large hot tub.

Sam shrugged. "I'm almost afraid to ask."

"The desk told me you guys were out here." They looked up to see Mo standing at the edge of the hot tub. "Did you guys have a good day?" he asked, sitting on a chair beside the tub.

"Yeah. You?"

"Not bad. Just finishing things up for the season." He set a package on another chair, safe out of reach of the bubbling water. "Ray wanted me to give you guys this."

"What is it?"

Mo shook his head. "A couple of prototypes we had laying around. I thought you guys might like them."

"Hey, Mo," Jack said, walking out his towel slung over his shoulders. He hung the towel over a chair and sank into the steaming water as Janet and Sam moved over to make room.

"Where are Jonas and Murray?" Sam asked, concerned.

"Don't worry," Jack soothed. "Jonas is too sick to go anywhere, and T…Murray is meditating. They promised not to leave the room. So, Mo, did you think about my idea?" Jack asked.

"Oh. Yeah. Right. Of course, Colonel."

Jack smiled and nodded. "Sweet. I'm gonna take a quick dip." He got up and padded over to the nearby pool, neatly diving into the cool water.

"What's he talking about?" Sam asked, noting the reluctant look on Mo's face.

"He pitched a story idea," Mo said.

"Really?"

"Yeah, something about Danning being marooned on a planet, with a beautiful woman, of course," Mo said, rolling his eyes.

Sam met Janet's eyes and smiled mischievously. "You know…getting trapped with a beautiful woman is such a cliché."

"Yeah," Janet agreed.

"Oh I know," Mo agreed.

"But…what if he was stranded…alone," Sam said.

"Alone?"

"Sure. Think Castaway. All alone on an alien planet, limited supplies."

"Think of the drama," Janet chimed in. "The chance for character development."

Jack returned, sinking back down in the bubbling water. "Aah, that feels good," he said.

"Well," Mo said, getting to his feet. "I have to go. My wife's plane is due in about half an hour. Enjoy the rest of the weekend," he said.

"We will," Janet answered.

"Mo," Sam called. He turned back. "You aah, you ever want to go back, just give us a call," she said cryptically.

Mo nodded. "I will, thanks." He walked away, leaving the trio alone.

"So, have you two enjoyed yourselves?" Jack asked, settling down in the water.

"Colonel?"

"You can cut the innocent act. I know all about Uncle Fitz," he said.

Sam paled a bit, sharing a look with Janet. "I don't know what you're talking about, sir," she said, her face blandly innocent.

"Yeah. Right." Jack levered himself out of the water. "Do me a favor. Next year you two can go on your own. Teal'c and I will take Jonas fishing."

They waited until he was gone then broke out laughing. "Busted," Janet said in a sing-song voice. Sam shrugged. "He'll get over it. Besides, if he gives me too much grief, I'll just remind him of the little souvenir we got," she said, referring to the zat that was now safely in her luggage. During their tour, Ray had shown them the prop room. Spying the alien weapon, Janet had distracted the actor while Sam shoved the zat under her coat.

Janet peeked up at the clock on the wall. "We're going to miss the auction," she said. "It started an hour ago."

Sam followed her gaze. "Yeah. I don't know if I want to go. I mean, I already have Nick's pants…what more is there?"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Hurry up. We'll be late."

Teal'c followed Jonas through the halls, keeping a wary eye on his companion. Jonas Quinn was supposed to be resting, however he was apparently disobeying Doctor Fraiser's orders. Soon after O'Neill had left to go into the courtyard, Jonas had declared his intention to see more of the convention.

"Where are we going, Jonas Quinn?"

"There's an auction," he said, walking through the large double doors. "I've never been to an auction." He smiled.

They found seats and began to carefully watch the proceedings. Various items were displayed both on the stage and up and down the aisle. Teal'c watched as several fans spent money for memorabilia from the television show. He scanned the room, thinking that perhaps Major Carter and Doctor Fraiser were attending, given that they both owned items from last year's auction.

"We have something very special this year, generously donated by MGM and Bridge studios," the emcee said as three people wheeled out a large gilded chair. "This is Pops' throne, the very one he sat in during Serpent's Hair when Stacey saved the day. It's also the one you saw in Children of the Frogs." Several members of the crowd shifted in their seats, trying to get a closer look. "This is not a reproduction, it is the real thing, folks. One of a kind piece of Wormhole X-Treme history. Whoever buys this throne, MGM will throw in shipping to a location of the buyer's choice, plus a certificate of authenticity. Anyone ready to start the bidding?"

A flash of movement caught his eyes. Teal'c turned to see Jonas raising his hand, capturing the auctioneer's attention. "Jonas Quinn, what are you doing?"

"I'm buying something."

"Of that I am aware. Why?"

"Fifteen hundred….any one else? Sold!" the emcee cried, pointing at Jonas.

"I've never bought anything before," he said, getting to his feet and following the assistant over to the payment table. He returned in a few minutes, a slip of paper in his hand. "It's all taken care of," he said. "They'll deliver it to the SGC."

"There you are," Jack said, standing over the two aliens, a towel wrapped around his shoulders, shivering slightly in the air conditioned air. "I thought you were staying in the room?" He accused, ignoring the contemplative looks of the other fans sitting around the two aliens.

"I aah."

"I wished to witness an auction, and Jonas Quinn offered to join me," Teal'c interrupted.

Jack shrugged. "Ok. Well, now that you've seen it, can we go back to the room. I didn't bring my key since you two were supposed to be in there," he said pointedly.

"Oh, I forgot," Jonas said, getting to his feet.

"Really? Never would have guessed," Jack said sarcastically.

"My apologies, O'Neill." Teal'c followed Jonas and Jack out of the room.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"How are we doing?" Janet asked, stepping into Sam's office, her arms burdened down with two bottles of pop and a steaming bag of microwave popcorn.

"98 done," Sam said, watching the download box on her computer screen. It had become a weekly ritual for the two women, taking an hour out of their busy day to watch downloads of the last half of the season of Wormhole X-Treme. Technically, Sam knew she was pushing the rules using the base's T-line to make the lengthy downloads faster…but she also knew that Hammond wouldn't come down on her too hard. Especially since she always burned him a copy to take home to watch with his granddaughters.

"This still annoys me," Janet said, setting down her booty. "We make the show in North America, but the Brits get to see it first."

Sam shrugged. "Networks and studios. They're worse than the US Military. Done," she said as her computer pinged.

"Yes," Janet crowed, pulling out the thick sheaf of paper that was in a drawer in Sam's desk. "Now we can read along," she said, carefully leafing through the bound sheets of the scripts.

"Don't mess it up," Sam said, "Do you have any idea how rare signed scripts are?"

The pair started to watch the download, at times squinting at the tiny picture. "Oh. Wait, go back," Janet said.

"What?"

"Just do it." Sam obligingly went back in the movie. "There." Janet pointed at the small screen. "Recognize it?"

Sam leaned in and squinted. "Umm."

"It's Ray and Nick," the doctor said, reaching into her pocket and pulling out the small stuffed toy rodents that Mo had delivered to them.

Sam looked from the screen and back to the toy. "You're right."

"Mo said they were prototypes. They're the Fuzzlings," Janet said. They broke out laughing, finally getting the significance of Ray's gift. Sam resumed playing the show and they both sat, fixated to the computer screen.

"Damnit," Sam cursed as the phone rang a few minutes later. "I swear it's like they KNOW we're doing something. Carter," she said into the receiver, almost keeping her ire out of her voice. "Yes, sir. Ok, sir. I'll be right there."

"What?"

"We're going off world." She looked at her watch. "We leave in forty-five minutes." She hurried towards the door. "Hang on a minute, if I grab my clothes and dress in here, I can see the ending before we ship out."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sam hurried into the locker room, her mind struggling to push aside her speculations on the cliffhanger she and Janet had just watched and concentrate on the mission at hand.

"Nice of you to join us," Jack teased, lacing up his boots.

"Usually you hate waiting out in the hall while I change," she said putting on her vest. "Besides, I beat Jonas," she said as the alien in question hurried into the room, trailed by Teal'c.

"I'm sorry," he apologized, unbuttoning his shirt.

"Apologize later, change now," Jack said.

Jonas hung his outer shirt on a hook in his locker and pulled off his T-shirt. "Whoa," Sam said, walking over to him. "When'd you get that?" She pointed at the large tattoo over his left shoulder blade and another one circling his biceps.

"What? Oh, do you like it?"

"When did you get a tattoo?" Jack demanded. "And better yet, who paid for it?"

"Jonas Quinn did not limit himself to culinary experiences during our journey back to the hotel," Teal'c said.

"Really?" Sam asked.

Jonas nodded. "I did a lot of firsts." He ticked them off on his fingers. "My first convention, first trip to Canada, first taste of sushi, first jalapeno ice cream, first auction."

"Which you still owe me for," Jack complained. "At least Hammond liked it," he said, referring to the gilded throne that had temporarily replaced General Hammond's normal leather chair.

"First tattoo, first time in a hot tub, first…"

"Wait...when were you in a hot tub?" Sam asked. "You never used the one at the hotel."

Jonas and Teal'c shared looks, Teal'c's gaze full of silent meaning. "It was indeed an educational journey for Jonas Quinn," he said.

Jack shared a look with Sam the shook his head. "Whatever. We ship out in fifteen," he tossed over his shoulder, leaving the room.

Sam looked speculatively at the two aliens. "Guys, what else happened?"

Teal'c grinned smugly while Jonas blushed a bit. "Major Carter, I believe the appropriate response is 'a gentleman never tells'."

XXXFinXXX

Wormhole X-Treme

Season Two

Serpents Hair – Captured by Pops, Stacey has to go undercover as a hair dresser to save the day

In line for Booty – Stacey is possessed by a refugee from an intergalactic harem

Prisoners – quarantined without cable, the team must keep themselves occupied

Gatekeeper – A mischievous pixie takes control of the gate, only allowing passage when someone answers its riddle

Weed – the team is set to work in a cannabis field. Ray imbibes too much

Thor's Harriet – the team must reunite two star crossed lovers, overcoming the protests of their parents

Message at the bottom of the Bottle – Trapped on an alien planet, the key to getting home lies at the bottom of a bottle of Tequila. It's up to Ray to save the day

Family – the team tangles with intergalactic mobsters. John Goodman guest stars as the goa'uld Al Capone

Secrets – A game of truth or dare has a surprising outcome

Vain – Going against the goa'uld Narcesis, Ray must teach him that beauty isn't skin deep

Toekra 1 & 2 – Ray's toes are all that stands between the team and certain death

Spirits – Grell gets into Danning's liquor cabinet

Touchstone – Colonel Danning takes on his own government to win the favors of Princess Le'more

Fifth Race – Thor and Harriet's love child wrecks havok in the base

Matter of Rhyme – Stricken with a mysterious virus, everyone speaks in iambic pentameter

Holy Day – It's Christmas, Chulak style

Serpents Wrong – Danning gets to tell Pops that he really is dead

One False Step – On their first date, Danning and Monroe walk on egg shells

Don't Ask, Don't Tell – Doctor Levant comes out of the closet

19 times 69 – Inside the love nest, Danning and Monroe don't realize that they're needed to save the world yet again

Out of my Mind – Thanks to the Fuzzlings, a telepathic rodent race, the whole truth comes out


	3. Third Time Lucky

Third Time Lucky

By

Denise

Jack made his way down the narrow airplane aisle, his fingers digging into the cushions when the plane bucked slightly. He ignored the annoyed glare from a fellow passenger and gratefully sank into his seat. He grimaced slightly at the lack of cushion provided by the economy seats. "This isn't fair," he muttered, staring balefully at the curtains separating first class from the rest of the cabin.

"I thought you said that life wasn't fair?" Daniel said, glancing up from his magazine.

"It's not," Jack agreed. "It if was, I wouldn't be crammed in this tin can. I'd be sitting on a dock, enjoying the peaceful tranquility of a Minnesota autumn evening."

"I thought General Hammond said your options were to either go with us or with SG-9 to oversee their negotiations?" Teal'c asked.

Jack rolled his eyes. "There are ways," he said.

"Indeed," Teal'c muttered, shifting uncomfortably.

The three of them were all seated side by side and were in the first row behind the first class cabin, which did grant them more leg room, however it did nothing to make the eighteen inch wide seats comfortable for three...well, two normal sized men and one extra large one.

"What exactly did Sam and Janet do to rate first class?" Daniel groused.

"Sucked up to the general."

"You are incorrect, O'Neill," Teal'c corrected. "Major Carter informed me that she and Doctor Fraiser put forth their personal currency to secure more comfortable traveling accommodations."

"Why does this not surprise me?" Jack said. "I mean, Carter asked for the time off the day after we got back last year."

"I believe both women find this time most enjoyable."

"I don't get it," Daniel said. "I mean it was fun and all, but why would they come to this thing year after year?"

Jack shrugged. "Got me. I know Carter's got a thing for that one guy."

"Colonel Danning, portrayed by Nick Marlow," Teal'c supplied.

"Yeah," Jack said. "And Fraiser for aah…" Jack snapped his fingers.

"Doctor Levant, portrayed by Raymond Gunne."

Jack made a face. "I don't get it. I mean, what the appeal of lusting after a couple of pretty boy actors?"

"Oh please," Daniel moaned.

"What?" Jack asked innocently.

"I've been in your house."

"Yeah."

"I've seen it."

"Seen what?"

"The picture."

"I have a lot of pictures."

"Not just any picture, THE picture."

"Daniel, what the hell are you talking about?"

"I believe he is referring to the autographed photograph of the cast of Wormhole X-treme that you acquired during your time as the show's military advisor," Teal'c said.

"Yep," Daniel said. "That one, that you keep in a drawer with all your scripts." He turned to look Jack in the eyes. "You know, you ever want to get on Janet or Sam's good sides, just hand those over."

"I'll bear that in mind," Jack drawled. He sighed and leaned back in the chair, stretching his long legs out in front of him. He looked at his watch, mentally doing the math. They'd start their descent into Vancouver soon.

To be honest, he never thought he'd be back here. Technically, he was still the show's military advisor, but, given the escalation of their duties at the SGC, they'd assigned a sergeant to assist him. Sergeant Tim Ghiradelli lived in Vancouver and handled the day to day duties of the job. And because of that, Jack had suggested that he get the honor of speaking at this year's convention.

Tim had been thrilled, and so had Jack, anticipating a week off and possibly a trip to Minnesota. Instead, he found himself on a plane headed to Vancouver with tickets to the Third Annual Wormcon.

And he thought he'd already been to hell.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sam nodded at the flight attendant and stepped off the plane, dragging her bag across the rough threshold between the fuselage and the concourse. She walked up the incline, smiling as she heard Janet jog a bit, trying to catch up. "This isn't a race you know," she complained, huffing slightly.

"Do you know how many people are on that plane? Do you have any idea how bad customs is?" Sam said, entering the airport. She followed the signs, winding her way along the elevated paths and towards the large customs area.

"Do you have any idea how mad the general will be if we leave him behind?" Janet said, following her.

"He's a big boy," Sam quipped.

"Sam—"

"Don't worry. We'll all meet up at the baggage claim," Sam soothed. "And we're all going to the same hotel anyway." She reached the end of the line and handed over her passport and documentation to the official. She glanced behind her, relieved to see the guys in line behind them.

"True, but the general's never been here, he has no idea what to expect," Janet said, taking her passport from the customs agent and following Sam through the gates.

"So, he's a virgin," Sam quipped.

"What?"

"A Worm-Con virgin," she said, her blue eyes sparkling evilly.

"You didn't?"

"It was purely in his best interests. It would have been mean to just cut him loose in a hotel with four hundred fans…four hundred female fans of a show he barely watches," she explained, taking her place at the baggage carousel as it started to turn.

"If he's not a fan of the show, why is he here?" the doctor asked.

"I heard something about a lost bet." She shrugged, leaning closer to the doctor and lowering her voice. "I just hope he doesn't get in the way." Janet frowned. "Have you ever tried to…go to a concert with your father chaperoning the trip? It tends to crimp your style a bit."

Janet cringed, looking over her shoulder, grimacing at the sight of the man in question, short sleeved plaid shirt tucked into a pair of khaki pants, his passport and other papers sticking out of his breast pocket. Behind him, she could see the three remaining members of their party clearing the first customs checkpoint. The colonel had fished his sunglasses out of his pocket and slid them on his face while Teal'c looked distinctly odd with the absence of his tattoo accented by the bright overhead lighting.

Anticipating the difficulty with wearing a hat all the time, and with a little research on the Internet, Janet had rigged up a flesh colored patch for him to wear on his forehead, one that disguised his tattoo. It wouldn't bear up under close scrutiny, but was good enough for a casual glance.

Daniel was bringing up the rear, swinging his book bag over his shoulder and looking distinctly bored with the whole thing.

"What about when we get to the hotel?" Janet asked.

Sam shook her head. "It's everyone for themselves. We paid for our tickets, not the US Air Force. We're on our time." She looked at their companions, making a face as she watched the colonel charm a female customs agent, smiling winningly as he pulled off his shades to allow her to confirm his identity.

"And a fine time it will be," Janet smiled.

"Ya sure ya betcha."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Major General George Hammond pulled a bill out of his pocket and tipped the driver before picking up his luggage and walking into the lobby of the hotel. Behind him, he could hear the rest of his group also collecting their belongings from off the shuttle.

He made his way to the front desk and pulled out his ID, quickly checking in and getting the key to his room. "So, when does this thing start?" he asked the rest of his group.

"You can check in with the convention people tomorrow," Carter told him, pointing at the tables set up on the other side of the lobby. "They'll give you your badge and you have to wear it all weekend. They post notices on the bulletin board, peoples' room numbers and the such." He nodded, stepping over to study the bulletin board while they checked in.

There were already several notices up, despite the fact that the convention didn't begin officially until the next night. He saw advertisements for 'fan zines'…whatever those were, a gathering of some group called the Danningites in what he guessed to be a local bar and a listing of busses and meeting places for a city tour.

"Sir?" O'Neill said. "We're ready."

George nodded, making his way back to where he'd left his luggage, picking up the bags and following the other people towards the elevators and their rooms.

He would get even with Kerrigan for this, Kerrigan and those damned Cubs. He sighed heavily, telling himself that it could be worse, he could be in Kansas.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Jack sat back in the bus seat, rolling his eyes as the bus came to a stop and people got to their feet, shuffling down the narrow aisle, cameras in tow. "Jack, you're not getting off?" Daniel asked.

"It's the same flowers they had planted last year, Daniel," Jack said. "Ya seen em once, ya seen them enough."

"Teal'c's going."

"Teal'c just wants to get some fresh air," Jack said.

"Maybe you could use some too."

"Daniel—"

"Jack, don't be an ass. Come on, get outside, get some fresh air."

Jack sighed, reluctantly getting to his feet and following his friend off the bus. He stood outside, pulling his sunglasses out of his pocket. "I'm outside, Daniel. Now go away."

Daniel shrugged, walking towards Teal'c who was studying some of the flowers in the garden.

Yeah, ok, so it did feel good to stand up and stretch his legs, Jack admitted to himself.

He just didn't quite get why he was even here, not to mention why he was on this silly tour in the first place. He never should have let Teal'c make their travel plans, and definitely should have convinced Daniel to stay behind. He could lay the blame for that on Doc's shoulders. 'It could help him remember, sir. And it would be nice for him to get away from the mountain.' Yeah right, Doc. If it's so great, why the hell wasn't she here chaperoning the alien and the amnesiac?

The rough grumble of a panel truck caught his attention and he turned, instinctively reading the words on the door. 'Joan of Arcadia'. He frowned, he knew that show. It was on every Friday…and was one of the few things he taped other than the Simpsons.

He didn't know that they taped in Vancouver as well. All of a sudden, things were looking up.

He squinted, trying to find Daniel and Teal'c in the crowd of tourists. Unable to see them and afraid that he would lose sight of the truck, Jack turned, jogging down the path towards the truck and leaving the bus behind.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Janet held on tight, biting her lip as Sam took a corner on what felt like two wheels. "Sorry," she apologized.

"No problem, I wanted to come to Canada to die," Janet said.

"Janet—"

"Where are we going?" Janet asked, slightly grumpy from the long flight and trying to sleep in a hotel bed. A problem Sam didn't seem to have. She guessed it was one advantage her friend had from sleeping on the ground once or twice a week, the ability to sleep anywhere, any time.

"There's a shop in Steveston I want to hit. And then I thought we could grab some breakfast, maybe take a walk, and still have time to meet Mo for lunch," she explained.

"And then?"

Sam shrugged. "I dunno, chill out before the cocktail party tonight," she suggested.

Janet sighed. "That sounds good."

Sam drove through the narrow streets, leaving the hustle and bustle of Richmond behind as they got closer to the coast and the town of Steveston.

Once there, she found a space in a public lot and parked the car. They got out, both stretching as they breathed in the fresh, salt tinted air. "I think the tide's coming in," Sam said, walking away from the town and toward the point. They walked past the cannery and towards the sea, enjoying the peaceful quiet broken only by the cries of the gulls. "I miss the ocean," Sam said, walking slowly through the tall grass.

"Really?"

Sam nodded. "I spent some time in San Diego and Galveston…plus a few other places over the years. The mountains are fun, but…"

"You miss the ocean," Janet finished.

"Yeah. Besides, do you have any idea how hard it is to get fresh seafood in Colorado?"

Janet made a face. "Ick. Steak, gimme beef," she said.

Sam laughed. "That's just because you haven't had good seafood."

A fishing boat floated by, headed out into the open water. Reaching the point, they turned around, walking back towards the dock. They passed a tall spire, a sobering memorial to those who lost their lives to the sea.

"Where are we going?" Janet asked.

"Last year I overheard some other con goers talking about a yarn shop."

"Yarn?"

"Yarn," Sam confirmed.

"What do you need yarn for?"

"To knit with," Sam said.

"You knit?"

Sam laughed. "Not very well, but, yeah." She turned to look Janet in the eyes. "It's actually quite relaxing. Sorta, mindless. I can think better," she explained.

Janet shook her head. "Now I think I've seen everything."

"Anyway, last time he was home, Dad was complaining about it being cold in the tunnels. And since he really can't have anything manufactured because that might give him away as having a connection with the Tau'ri, I thought a nice pair of socks made from home made yarn would fit the bill," she explained, coming to a stop outside a store.

Janet looked up, reading the name. 'Wicker and Wool'. She followed her friend inside, browsing as Sam looked over the yarn selection.

"I think this will be great, Sue," one of the customers said. "These beads will make gorgeous bracelets."

"Kelly, you're right. These will be great. Oh, and look, little plastic bowls."

Janet walked past the two women, rejoining Sam who was picking up three skeins of yarn. "Janet, what do you think?" She held them up. "This a good color for Dad?"

Janet frowned, studying the dark blue yarn. "Yeah, blue is good."

"Cool." Sam grinned. "It was either this or the purple… and Dad just isn't a purple person."

She paid for her purchases and they left the shop, walking down the busy street. "Now what?" Janet asked.

"Now, breakfast." Sam pointed across the street at the small bakery. "Fresh Cinnamon rolls anyone?"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Daniel led Teal'c back to the bus, picking up the pace a bit to keep up with the rest of the tourists. He really wasn't ready to leave, there was a fantastic arboretum in the park with some spectacular tropical plants and birds that he'd much rather spend his time exploring. However, the tour, and the tour's schedule beckoned.

Glancing at his watch, he confirmed that they had a couple of minutes left before the bus was due to depart, so he slowed, letting the other members of the tour flow around him. "Is it just me, Teal'c, or are there a lot of women on this tour?" he asked, idly studying their faces.

Their fellow bus passengers were a mixed bag, young and old, pretty and not so pretty, thin and not so thin. Some were dressed quite nicely in what he'd call business casual, others in casual jeans and shirts and still others in mock-ups of the Wormhole X-Treme uniforms, usually a conglomeration of regulation Earth military fatigues.

"There are indeed a disproportionate number of females attending this convention," Teal'c confirmed.

"Was it like this before?"

"Yes."

"Did Jonas come last year?"

"He did."

"Well?" Teal'c raised his eyebrow questioningly. "What happened?"

"Jonas Quinn availed himself of the opportunity to explore Earth and it's customs," he said.

"Which customs?"

"As many as he could accomplish in the limited time we had here. Should we not board the vehicle?" he asked, blatantly changing the subject.

Daniel shrugged. "Where's Jack?"

"O'Neill remained upon the conveyance."

Daniel shook his head. "No, he got off." He turned, climbing the steps and peering into the large tour bus. "He's not here," he said, turning and leaning out the door.

"Perhaps he availed himself of the facilities," Teal'c suggested.

Daniel tuned again, hurrying down the narrow bus aisle and checking the bathroom at the back. He returned in a few seconds. "Nope."

"Then he must have wandered off," Teal'c said. "We should board the bus."

"And leave him?" Daniel protested.

"O'Neill is eminently capable of seeing to his own well being."

"We can't leave him behind," Daniel said. Teal'c merely raised his eyebrow. "I won't leave him behind. If he's here, then we'll stay here until we find him," he declared.

"Come on," a bearded man with an Australian accent said. "We need to leave."

"We're staying," Daniel said.

The man stepped down from the bus. "Look, we can't leave the two of you behind. I'm in charge of this bus and responsible for returning to the hotel with the same number of people I left with."

"We'll be fine," Daniel said. "I have enough money for cab fare; we'll make our own way back."

The man looked from him to Teal'c and back. "You're going with him?" he asked, pointing at Teal'c.

"Yeah," Daniel confirmed.

"You're right, you'll be fine. Ok then, you're on your own." He made his way back to the bus and climbed on, taking his seat as the driver put the vehicle into gear and drove off in a cloud of diesel fumes.

Daniel watched it go, then turned to Teal'c. "Come on, Teal'c, it'll be an adventure," he said, smiling enthusiastically.

"If you say so." Teal'c sighed heavily, suddenly having a very good idea precisely why O'Neill had vanished, and wishing that he was with the man.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

George walked into the lobby of the hotel, pleasingly replete after partaking of the breakfast buffet in the Wayfarer Inn. He glanced at his watch and, for a moment, regretted not going on the tour with the other men. Not that sitting on a crowded bus for hours was something he looked forward to, but at least it wouldn't be boring.

He spied the courtyard and the pool and gave a thought to spending some quality time relaxing, when was the last time he sat beside a pool and read?

That's what he should do, look upon this less as losing bet with Kerrigan, and more as an opportunity to take a paid vacation. Fingering the ID badge and lanyard he'd been given, he ambled through the lobby. Yep, that's what he'd do, go check the gift shop and find a book and go relax.

"This is your first time, isn't it?"

He turned towards the source of the voice. "Excuse me?"

"You've never been to Wormcon, have you?" A woman asked, smiling welcomingly.

"Aah, no, I haven't," he admitted.

"I thought so." She dug in her bag. "I figured I'd miss some, so I made extras." She pulled out a small badge and reached for his lanyard, pinning it on. "The Virgins gotta stick together."

"What?" he asked, frowning at her.

"Wormcon Virgins," she explained, holding up her own badge. "Technically, I'm not. I came last year, but how else will people recognize me?"

"How else?" He picked up his badge, twisting it around to read it.

"You see, most of the folks have come every year, and they know their way around. But some of us are new and we have no idea what's going on. So we have this badge so that we can find each other, and help each other out," she explained. "And the veterans know that if we do something silly, we're not doing it to be mean or anything, just because we don't know any better"

"That's aah, that's very nice."

"That's Texas hospitality for you, even if we are thousands of miles away. Come on," she said, looping her arm through his. "Let one Texan show you around this fine establishment."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sam pulled up to the gate of the studio, rolling down her window to talk to the guard. "Hi, I'm Sam Carter and this is Janet Fraiser, we have an appointment with Mo Jacozzi," she said.

"Right," the guard said, checking his clip board. "Over there." He pointed out one of the buildings. "They're upstairs. If you want to wait by the front door, I'll call Mo and have him come down."

"Thanks." Sam waited for him to raise the gate, and then pulled onto the studio lot, following the guard's directions to a parking place.

"I can't believe the guy's a Tok'ra," Janet said as she parked the car.

"Me neither," Sam agreed. "I nearly had kittens at the restaurant last year. Bad service is one thing, I just don't usually expect to be sharing my table with an alien…other than Teal'c and Jonas and my dad and…." She groaned, turning off the ignition and looking at her friend.

"Yeah, you got a weird life," Janet teased, undoing her seat belt. They got out of the car and walked across the parking lot, the hustle and bustle of the rest of the lot confirming that they were taping right now.

The door opened and Mo stepped out. "Hey."

"Hi," Sam greeted, shaking his hand. "You remember Janet?"

"Of course," he said. "I'm glad you ladies made it back this year."

"So are we," Sam said, following him inside.

He led them through a maze of corridors. "We'll take the back way. They're taping down in the control room and gate room right now, but not upstairs, so we can watch from the briefing room and still stay out of their way," he explained.

"This is organized chaos," Sam remarked, stepping out of the way as a man hurried past her, prop weapons in his hand.

"Yep," Mo agreed. "Things are a little hectic right now. Nick's gotta leave in a couple of hours and they need to get his scenes done."

"That's right, he flies home every weekend," Janet said, frowning as they walked past a fake infirmary set.

"Every Friday, usually. This week it's Thursday. He's got a standing reservation at the airline." Mo led them up some stairs and through a door. They walked into a mock-up of their own briefing room, complete down to the displays and posters on the walls.

"How do you get it to look so real?" Sam asked, walking slowly around the room.

"We have our ways," he teased. "Actually, one of your people was kind enough to take some pictures for us, which the Air Force then approved and passed on…thoroughly de-classified," he said. "We used them as a rough basis for building our sets."

Sam nodded, sitting down in one of the chairs. "Oh," she said, bouncing a bit. "Can we swap you? These are much better than our chairs."

Mo laughed. "No problem."

"What are they doing down there?" Janet asked, staring out the large glass windows.

Mo walked over to stand by her. "Taping a scene."

"What's that big green curtain?" Sam got to her feet and walked over. Below them there were a large group of people in the gate room, some holding cameras, others boom microphones and still others just standing there. In the middle were the actors, distinguishable only because of their costumes. "They're going to go through the wormhole," Mo explained.

"Where's the puddle?"

"It doesn't really exist. They walk up with the green screen in place, and then in post production, they take out all the green and put in the event horizon."

"Wow," Sam said. "That's more complicated than the real thing."

Mo nodded. "I know. They'll do the scene a few times, taping it from different angles. If someone is talking, then they'll have to do a pass for the close up. Depending on how difficult it is, a scene that takes a minute on the show can take a whole afternoon to tape."

"Ray's down there," Janet said, pressing her face against the glass.

"They all are," Mo said. "Normally, they break for lunch about now, but they want to get this scene done."

They heard foot steps on the stairs and both women turned to Mo, concerned that they'd done something wrong. "Don't worry about it. Lots of people come up here," he reassured them.

"I thought I saw some new faces." Sam stared as Nick Marlow climbed the stairs. "Mo, you didn't warn us that you were bringing guests."

"Sorry, Nick, it was one of those last minute things."

"And what lovely guests they are," he said, ignoring the writer. "Nick Marlow, at your service."

Sam just stared, her mouth moving, but nothing was coming out. "Janet Fraiser," Janet said, stepping between them. "And this is Sam Carter. We met Mo last year."

"What? Oh, right. The convention," he said. "I think umm…" He snapped his fingers.

"Yolanda," Mo supplied.

"Right. Yolanda is going to that."

"That's what we heard," Janet said. "How about Doug?"

He shook his head. "No. Doug is taking his boys skiing this weekend. Ray was thinking about it though. But…you know, he's not an official guest and all. Yolanda's trying to talk him into it, but he's sorta afraid they'll turn him away at the door or something."

"I don't think that will happen," Janet said. "They seem most willing to accommodate anyone that shows up."

"Really?" Nick asked, blatantly staring at the pair of them. "And are you two lovely ladies going to be there?"

Sam nodded, still at a loss for words. "We've both got tickets. We'll be there," Janet said, unable to hide a grin at her friend's behavior. The woman could kill aliens with her bare hands and got tongue tied around an actor. She was never going to let her forget this.

"Mmmhm," Nick said, appearing to consider the possibility of staying.

"Nick, you do have a flight in a couple of hours," Mo reminded.

"What? Oh right." He snapped his fingers. "Actually, the kidlet has a birthday party tonight, she won't even be home." He turned to face Mo. "Can you talk to Igor? See if he can move my reservations to tomorrow afternoon? I'll talk to Bob, I'm not taping much Tuesday anyway, I'll finish up here, go to their convention, fly south tomorrow and come back Wednesday," he planned.

"Really?" Sam asked.

"Nick! Where is he?" She heard a voice from downstairs call. "We're ready."

"Gotta go," Nick said. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a card. "Just have them call my assistant, we'll work out a time," he said, handing it to her. "Now that we have that taken care of, I probably better get back to work." He hurried back down the stairs and into the gate room while Sam stood there, still staring at the card in her hand.

"She'll be better in a minute," Janet said to Mo.

The man shrugged. "I've seen it a dozen times. Nick's a charmer, although I have to say, Mohra doesn't care for him too much," he said, referring to his symbiote.

"Speaking of, Sam didn't you have some information for Mo?" Janet asked, shaking her friend slightly to jar her out of her stupor.

"What? Oh, right, yes I do," Sam said, digging into her pocket. She pulled out a computer disk. "I got your e-mail and asked around. It wasn't exactly easy to find out which of your friends were still alive without telling someone why I wanted to know, but …this should help." She handed the disk to Mo. "I'm afraid the Tok'ra haven't been doing too well lately."

Mo nodded gravely. "That's what I expected. Thank you," he said sincerely, sliding the disk into his pocket. "Now, would you guys like to see some more of the studio?" he offered. They agreed and Sam carefully slipped the card into her pocket before following Janet and Mo out of the briefing room and back down the stairs.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Jack ambled through the trees, alternately enjoying his walk and cursing himself for being so stupid as to just bail on the tour. He should have at least let Daniel and Teal'c know. Ah well, those two were so enthralled, they probably hadn't even noticed that he was gone.

It was a lovely autumn afternoon, the weather being surprisingly warm for Canada in September. He'd lost sight of the truck several minutes ago and was now just walking, hoping to see something, or, at the very least, a way to snag a cab or bus and make his own way back to the hotel.

The scenery in Stanley Park was fantastic, not that he'd like to be caught enthusing about it to anyone. Tall, ancient trees, lots of green ground cover, a multitude of blooming plants, it was a gardener's paradise. Unfortunately, it looked a lot like some of the planets he'd been on, too much so in some cases. It set his nerves on end.

Rounding a bend in the trail, he stopped, staring at the sight before him. He'd found…something anyway. In a clearing in the trees there were a couple of dozen silver trailers, all lined up like a wagon train of old. People were scurrying back and forth, some obviously on a mission, others seemingly just killing time.

He'd been on location with the Wormhole X-Treme crew enough times to recognize a film crew. The real question was, which show was this? He knew that a lot of them taped in Vancouver and this could be one of several, or even a made for TV movie.

Stepping forward, he tried to stay alert, for either the security that would chase him away, or for the film crew. The fastest way to get booted was to get in their way. Finding a convenient bench at the edges of the clearing, he sat down, planning to watch for a bit before finding a bus stop or taxi and heading back to the hotel.

The center of the clearing was made up to look like a play ground, complete with swings and kids and he watched as the director struggled to get the children to play normally, while ignoring the cameras and crew scurrying around at the edges of set.

That had to be a nightmare. It was hard enough to wrangle three adults, Jack didn't even want to think about how hard it had to be to try and get a dozen kids to do what you wanted them to do, when you wanted them to do it.

"I haven't seen you around before," a voice said from his left. He turned, squinting as he realized that the person, a woman, was standing with her back to the sun, effectively silhouetted.

"No, I'm aah, just visiting," he said as she moved to sit down.

"We don't get many visitors around here. One of the advantages of it being our first season, no one knows who we are." She sat down, leaning over to prop her elbows on her knees.

"So, you're on the show?"

"Yeah," she answered, her long brunette hair shielding her face from him. He frowned, something about her seemed familiar. He wanted to ask who she was, but also knew from experience, that sometimes it was best to just pretend…better for their ego and his sanity. "Although I'm done for the day, I'm just hanging out for a while."

"I've done that before," he said, watching as the director set up a shot with a young female actress and an even younger girl.

"So, what brings you here?"

"To the park or to Vancouver?"

"Either," she answered, laughing a bit.

"We're aah, we're in town for a convention and I just stepped away for some time off."

"Not that wormhole show."

"Yeah," he admitted. "I guess you've heard of it."

"Michael does nothing but talk about that show. It drives us nuts sometimes."

"Michael?"

"He's another actor. He loves it, watches the danged thing every day in his trailer. I don't understand the appeal." She shrugged, turning to face him. "I don't know, maybe it's one of those men things," she said, frowning as she took in the look on his face. "Did I say something wrong?"

He quickly shook his head. "No, no, I'm sorry. I'm aah…I just umm—"

"Colonel, what the hell do you think you're doing with my mother?"

"Michael, that's no way to talk to a visitor," she chided, getting to her feet and standing before the young blond man who'd joined them.

"It's ok, Mary, I know him," he said. "It's Michael by the way," he said, quirking one eyebrow meaningfully. "And this is Mary Steenburgen who plays my mother on the show."

"Yeah, we aah, hi," Jack stumbled to get out, waving weakly.

"You have to forgive him, he's old," Michael said, reaching forward to grab Jack's arm. He pulled him away from the woman and towards one of the trailers, not protesting when Jack shook his hand free from the boy's grasp.

They climbed into the trailer, 'Michael' shutting the door behind him. "You know, if you wanted to meet her, all you had to do was ask," he said.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Jack demanded. "I thought you were finishing high school." He faced him, not surprised to discover that his younger self had grown a few inches since he'd seen him last.

"Hello? Tutors," Little Jack said. "Anyway, we both know high school was just a formality, somewhere to stick me until I was old enough to cut loose." He walked over to the small kitchenette and opened the fridge, pulling out two bottles of beer. He held one out to Jack, who took it, then opened one himself.

"How'd you get here?" Jack asked.

"Last summer I got bored, took a little road trip. I ended up here, stumbled across an open audition and figured what the hell? It was a way to kill an afternoon."

"Until you got the job."

"Yeah. Look, it's no big deal. Like I said, I finished high school courtesy of a tutor, I'll do this gig as long as it lasts, then see what else I want to do," he said, plopping down on the couch in the small living room. "It's a win-win. I'm making more money than the Air Force ever thought of paying me, I got my education, or at least got the right pieces of paper, and –"

"And totally forgetting the idea about keeping a low profile," Jack interrupted.

"I must be doing something right. The show's been on the air for six months and no one's said a word," Mike shot back.

"You changed your name."

"Part of that low profile thing."

Jack stared at him for a minute, then sighed, joining him on the couch. "You finally did it."

"Did what?"

"Ran away to Canada."

Mike laughed. "Took me long enough."

"You know, I meant to call," Jack said seriously. "Keep in touch."

Mike shrugged. "It was too creepy. It was driving me nuts to stay in the Springs. I kept coming up with places I needed to avoid so I wouldn't run into one of you guys. I was afraid someone from the SGC would recognize me and blow my cover and…I needed to get away."

"I can respect that," Jack said. "So, you like doing this?"

"Yeah, I do." Mike said. "Although one part of it sucks." Jack raised his eyebrows. "I've had a crush on this woman for years, I finally get to spend time with her and she's old enough to be my mother."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sam parked the car, glancing at her watch, then up at the bus pulling into the lot. "Right on time," she remarked.

"I thought we were trying to avoid the boys?" Janet asked, getting out of the car.

"To a point. I figure we should at least touch base once a day…if for no other reason than to keep me off of KP on our next out of town trip," Sam said, locking the car and walking across the lot. "Besides, I think we were going to go out to dinner before the cocktail party."

"Makes sense. I'm starving and appetizers just aren't going to cut it," Janet agreed.

Sam smiled. "Although I have to drop this off." She held up Nick's card.

"You're going to give it away?"

Sam shrugged. "Well, I was thinking more of making a copy of it," she said. She clasped the card between both hands and Janet laughed.

"You were so pathetic."

"I was not."

"Oh please. Standing there, with your mouth open. I would KILL for a picture," the doctor teased.

Sam made a face, mock charging her friend. Both women broke into a jog, hurrying across the parking lot just as the bus opened its doors, the tour goers filing out, their hands full of camera cases. "I outrank you by at least three weeks," Sam threatened, standing beside Janet.

"And I can ground your ass in an instant," Janet said, frowning when the last person filed off the bus. "Umm, this is the right bus, isn't it?"

"I thought so," Sam said. "Excuse me," she asked a man standing there. "I'm looking for three friends of mine. Guys—"

"Two white guys, one black guy," he said, his accent unmistakable.

"Yeah."

"They bailed in Queen Elizabeth Park."

"They did what?"

"Decided to leave the tour. I tried to talk them out of it, but, hey, they're adults. They wanna walk, they can walk," he finished with a shrug.

"Thanks," Sam said as he turned away, walking into the hotel.

"We're not gonna get dinner, are we?" Janet asked.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Teal'c sighed, following Daniel Jackson up the steps and into the building. "I do not believe we shall find him in here," he said.

"This is the perfect place," Daniel said, reaching for his wallet and pulling out a bill. He paid for admission for the two of them, then led the way into the lobby of the aquarium. "It's not that big, maybe if we split up," he suggested.

"I find it hard to believe that O'Neill would seek shelter in a facility that requires a monetary contribution to gain admission," Teal'c said, looking around them. They'd been walking through the park for several hours and he had to admit that he was growing fatigued, and in need of sustenance.

"Who?" Daniel Jackson asked, walking off towards one of the exhibits. The aquarium was very large, comprise of both internal and external holding tanks. Teal'c followed him into a dimly lit area, the lighting evidentially meant to make the large tanks of aquatic creatures look even more dramatic.

"Colonel O'Neill," Teal'c said. "The person we are searching for."

He turned back to face Teal'c, a strange expression on his face. "Oh," he said softly.

"Daniel Jackson?"

"I thought we were looking for Nemo."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The cab pulled up outside the hotel and Jack dug for his wallet, shoving a couple of bills into the driver's hands before climbing out of the car. He glanced at his watch and cursed under his breath. He was so late. They were going to kill him.

He walked into the hotel and quickly made his way to his room. "Sorry I'm late, guys," he apologized as he opened the door. Greeted only by a dark silence, he snapped on the light, frowning into the empty room. "Yeah, so much for loyalty," he said, more than a little hurt at have been forgotten.

Since he was there, he took the chance to freshen up a bit, using the facilities and washing up a bit before scribbling a quick note. Less than half an hour later, he left the hotel and started walking. He'd just go grab his own dinner, and maybe, if he was lucky, he'd run into his friends along the way.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Pull over," Janet ordered.

"What?"

"Pull over," her friend insisted. Sam complied, earning herself more than a few angry honks on the horn.

"What's wrong?"

"There's a McDonald's," the doctor said, pointing down the street.

"Yeah, they're like roaches, they're everywhere."

"I don't care. I'm hungry. Pull in there."

"Janet, we're supposed to be meeting the guys for dinner," Sam protested.

"That was three hours ago. I don't think we're gonna make it," Janet said, her frustration at the futility of their self-appointed mission plain. They'd been driving for hours, trying to retrace the tour's path—information they'd gotten from one of the convention organizers-- hoping to stumble across their missing friends, all to no avail.

"Ok," Sam agreed, carefully pulling back out into traffic. "I wish I'd brought my cell phone."

"That would only do us any good if they also had theirs," Janet said.

"True, but at least we could call the hotel and see if they've returned." She pulled into the restaurant's parking lot and turned off the car. "I guess we might as well head back to the hotel," she said. "Like you said, they're big boys."

"Teal'c's been on Earth long enough to take care of himself," Janet reassured her friend.

"It's not Teal'c I'm worried about," Sam said, climbing out of the car.

"Really?"

"Janet…remember Quantum Leap? Doctor Beckett's 'Swiss Cheese Memory'?"

"Yeah."

"Right now, Daniel's worse."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"I'm sorry, Teal'c," Daniel said, walking dejectedly out of the aquarium.

"It is of no consequence, Daniel Jackson," he soothed.

"I feel so stupid."

"You were merely confused, that is something Doctor Fraiser predicted would happen as you endeavor to regain your memory."

Daniel shrugged, his friend's words doing little to ease his feelings. "What do we do now?"

"Murray!" Daniel turned to see two women hurrying towards him, waving enthusiastically. "Sugar, I was hoping you'd come back this year."

Teal'c smiled, welcoming the women. "Trish, Libya, I am most pleased to see you."

"T…Murray?" Daniel asked.

"Do you not recall, Daniel Jackson. We met these women two years ago."

"Oh. Ok, right. If you say so."

"Where's your friend?" Trish asked. "Jonas with the tattoos."

"Jonas Quinn was unable to attend this year. Daniel Jackson came in his place."

"I remember. In the Thirsty Turtle, two years ago," Trish prompted.

"If you say so," Daniel repeated with a shrug.

"We are in need of transportation," Teal'c said.

"All you got to do is ask," Trish said, moving to hook her arm with Teal'c's as Libya did the same to Daniel. "You guys game for something to eat on the way back?"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Jack sat on the sofa, staring idly as the people filed past him, chattering amongst themselves, cameras and bags clutched in their hands. So far this was turning out to be one of the suckiest weekends ever…and it was just Friday.

He still didn't know where Daniel and Teal'c were, or Carter and Fraiser for that matter. He'd left a message on the women's phone, but had gotten no response, which was why he was sitting in the hallway early Friday morning, watching the con-goers file past him in a moderately organized stampede for seats, hoping that they would be among them.

"Sue, come on," one of them urged.

"Yam and I are sitting in the back, we're in no hurry," the woman said, striding slowly down the corridor. Her friends shrugged and picked up the pace, hurrying into the room.

Jack watched as the crowd dwindled, a pair of familiar faces not among them. Rolling his eyes in frustration, he got to his feet. Maybe he'd call their room again.

He headed back to the lobby, coming to a halt when he saw two of his missing team members walking towards him, shadowed by two scruffy looking men and a couple members of the convention staff. "Colonel," Carter said, smiling. "I'm glad to see you made it back, sir."

"Carter, Doc," Jack acknowledged.

"Colonel O'Neill, I didn't know you were here," one of the men said, frowning.

Jack stared at him. "Ray?" he said finally.

"Right. And you remember Nick."

"Of course, how could I forget Nick," Jack said, forcing a smile on his face. He remembered the actor all too well, in fact the man had driven him slightly batty with all his 'how does the real Air Force do things' chatter. "I didn't think you liked doing these things."

"He doesn't," Ray said.

"The charming Major Carter convinced me that I should give it a try," Nick said.

"Charming?" Jack asked.

Carter had the grace to shrug slightly. "They're waiting for you on stage," one of the con organizers prompted.

"Right, can't keep the audience waiting now can we?" Ray asked, punching him playfully on the arm.

"Ow," Nick whined. "No, no we can't," he agreed, rubbing his injured arm. They walked down the hall, leaving Sam and Janet behind with Jack.

"It looks like you ladies are having fun," Jack quipped.

"We've had a good time, sir. How about you?" Janet asked.

"Other than getting stood up and abandoned, it was great," Jack groused. "Have you seen Daniel or Teal'c yet?"

"No, sir. I thought they were with you," Sam said.

"They were on the tour."

"They left the tour. They never made it back here," Janet said.

Jack looked at the pair, a sinking feeling developing in the pit of his stomach. "Oh crap," he muttered.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sam strode back down the carpeted hall of the hotel, eternally grateful that Nick and Ray were still on stage which meant that the halls were nice and empty. "Nothing, sir," she said, making her way to Jack. "Janet's checking out the local cab company but…"

"It's a big city," he said.

"Yeah." She sighed and shrugged. "At least Teal'c and Daniel have been here before. It's not like it's a complete and total alien….strange city to them."

He shot her a look. "Remind me why in the hell we came back here," he requested, shoving his fingers through his hair.

"Orders," she suggested lamely, having the grace to blush as he rolled his eyes. "Lemme guess, no luck?" Jack said as Janet joined them.

"I'm afraid not, sir," she said. "But even if they didn't take a cab, there's always the bus, or they could even be walking."

"There you are." Sam turned to see Ray and Nick walking down the hall, flanked by convention personnel.

"Nick. Ray."

"We were just headed to the room to do some autographs and pictures," Ray said.

"Ya gotta come with us," Nick said, moving close to them. "There's all these women," he whispered loudly.

"They won't hurt you," Sam said.

"There's so many of them," he insisted, reaching out to grab her arm.

"You'll be ok," Sam soothed, shooting Jack a helpless look. "We've got something we need to take care of."

"Actually, Carter. Don't worry about it," Jack said.

"Sir?"

"You and Fraiser have fun. I'll track down the boys."

Sam shook her head, trying to break Nick's grasp. "Sir, that really isn't necessary—"

"Oh, but I insist," he said, stepping away. "Have fun, I'll catch up with you guys later."

He turned on his heel and made his way down the hall, leaving Sam and Janet no other choice but to follow Nick and Ray into the autograph room

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"I hope I didn't forget anything," Daniel said, juggling the shopping bags in his hands as he walked out of the mall and onto the city sidewalks.

"I sincerely doubt that, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c said, similarly burdened by bags.

"I'm sorry, Teal'c, I just…things were on sale," he enthused. "And it'd been so long since I went shopping."

"I understand. However, I am uncertain how you will return to Colorado Spring with these items while still maintaining the baggage limitations enforced by the airline."

Daniel paused, not hearing the curses muttered by passersby as they milled around them. "You can ship it," Trish said, putting on her sunglasses. "Any place else you guys need to go?" she asked, leading the way to where she'd parked her car.

After picking them up from the park last night, she'd taken them to a local restaurant, then, confronted by a ten car pile up on the highway, decided to let them crash at her apartment until morning.

"We probably better get back," Daniel said.

"Indeed, O'Neill has likely noticed our absence by now."

Daniel frowned, making a face. "He's not going to be too happy will he?"

"Oh he'll get over it," Trish said. "As long as some of what's in those bags is for him."

They continued to walk down the sidewalk, the exit they'd taken from the mall being a block or so from the entrance to the parking garage. It was a lovely, warm fall day, astonishingly warm considering how far north they were.

Daniel closed his eyes for a second, trusting on his hearing to guide his way as he surrendered himself to the welcome feeling of sun and wind on his face. Even though he had no real memories of his time among the ascended, he had a feeling that he'd missed the simple things in life, sun, home, family.

He did know for sure that he felt a renewed sense of appreciation, not for the fancy stuff, but the feeling of soft cotton sheets, the taste of fresh coffee, the smell of sea air, the sound of traffic and other people.

That was one reason he'd pushed so hard to join his friends on this trip. He remembered being here before, and he remembered having a good time during the trip. He wanted this time with them, time to get reacquainted with the rest of SG-1, away from the pressures of the SGC and the odd looks from the other personnel.

He wanted to see if he could recapture those good times and pleasant memories.

So far, it seemed to have worked out pretty well. He'd had fun last night with Trish and Teal'c, the woman's captivation with his Jaffa friend affording him time to simply sit there, not feeling like a third wheel, but a welcome observer.

"Hey!" A loud voice pulled him from his reverie and his eyes shot open. He stared in amazement at the people that surrounded him. "The barricades are there for a reason," the man said, staring at him angrily.

"I'm sorry—"

"You blew that take," the man ranted as Daniel's eyes scanned his surroundings, recognizing the unmistakable signs of a television production. "Do you have any idea how much it costs to do this?" the man continued.

"I'm sorry, I—"

"Yeah, you're sorry. Sorry doesn't pay my bills, or meet my deadline. We put barricades out for a reason. Is it too freaking difficult to just walk around?"

"No harm was meant," Teal'c said, moving to stand by his side, shamelessly using his bulk to intimidate the man.

"Yeah, he's sorry," Trish said.

"Sorry!" His face colored, turning an ominous shade of red.

"Ed, chill out," a woman ordered, walking over to the quartet. "Kevin blew his lines anyway."

"These two—"

"Ed," she interrupted. "We're going to reset and do it again. Frank could use your help." Taking the hint, the man turned and walked away, joining the gathering of people around the cameras aimed towards the center of the square. "I'm sorry. He's grumpy today," she apologized, smiling at Daniel as she swung her head, her pink and black hair oddly enough fitting in quite well with her burgundy jumpsuit.

"I really…I didn't mean to mess things up," Daniel apologized. "I just…"

"It's ok," she soothed. "This is TV, not brain surgery. Ed just needs to take a break."

"Hey, you gonna chat with the tourists or come do your job?"

She turned, waving to acknowledge the director. "Looks like I have to get back to work. It was nice to meet you."

"Likewise," Daniel said as she turned and hurried back to the set. He watched her go, staring until she disappeared into the jumble of people.

"Daniel Jackson." Teal'c laid his hand on his shoulder. "We need to return to the hotel."

"Yeah, right," he said, glancing one last time over his shoulder before he followed them around the barricades and into the parking garage where they'd left Trish's car. He definitely needed to watch more TV.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sam took a look at the seemingly endless line and pasted a smile on her face, slipping away from the table to step out into the courtyard of the hotel. Spying Janet and Ray seated at a table, she made her way over to them, gratefully sliding into the wrought iron chair. She leaned back, closing her eyes and covering her face with her hands. "Having fun?" Janet quipped.

Sam lowered her hands and stared balefully at her friend, fighting the urge to kick her as a grin creased her face. "It's not funny," Sam protested, not enjoying Janet gaining such amusement at her expense.

"Nick is a high maintenance kind of guy," Ray excused.

"High maintenance? I've taken care of teenagers that were less needy than him."

Ray chuckled. "He's just a big kid at heart. Put him in front of a camera and he'll work until he falls over. He's just really, really shy."

"You know, it's amazing how many introverts are actors," Janet said. "You'd think it'd be the other way around."

Ray shrugged. "I thought all doctors are supposed to be grumpy old men."

Janet quirked her head, conceding the point. "Can't judge a book."

"Yep."

One of the con staff poked their head through the door. "Major Carter, he's asking for you. Ray, there's a lady who'd like a picture."

"Duty calls," he said, getting to his feet. He waved Sam to sit back down. "Take a break, he's a big boy."

"He's nice," Sam said, nodding towards the photo room as she reached for a bottle of water and twisted off the cap.

"He's gay," Janet said, her droll words making Sam spit out the swig of water she'd just drank.

"What?" she asked, coughing.

Janet nodded. "Yep. I sure know how to pick them."

Sam reached for a napkin, blotting her shirt. "Oh god," she said, her eyes growing wide.

"What?"

"Daniel. Does he aah…does?"

"No," Janet shook her head. "And we're not gonna tell him."

Sam nodded, agreeing. She focused through the large plate glass windows, watching as Ray smiled widely at a couple of female fans, wrapping his arms around their waists as they posed for a picture. "He is adorable," Sam said.

Janet nodded. "And a real sweetheart."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Sit," Jack said, ushering Daniel and Teal'c into the auditorium. They took their seats and he sat down beside them, threatening with a glare to do them bodily injury if they even thought about getting too far away from him.

"You two even think of leaving my sight, I'm going to lock you in the room," he threatened putting his thoughts into words.

"A place we would remain only if we so desired," Teal'c said drolly, his tolerant stare neatly defusing Jack's threat.

Jack shrugged, acknowledging that short of shackling them to the wall, they only stayed where they wanted to stay.

"Janet and Sam have been running all over the city, you're not picking on them," Daniel whined, his hands wrapped around a paper cup of coffee he'd smuggled into the room. Jack had no idea what exactly was making his friend this grumpy. Daniel and Teal'c had returned to the hotel early Friday evening in the company of a friendly black woman and both burdened by bulging shopping sacks. After grilling them for half an hour and finally taking Teal'c's word that they hadn't gotten up to anything other than getting stuck on the other side of town, they'd tracked down Carter and Fraiser and went out to dinner.

The women had been full of excitement about their afternoon chaperoning the stars while Teal'c tried to make sightseeing and shopping sound like a good time. Daniel, surprisingly enough, had been the most quiet of them, driving Jack nuts by checking his watch every fifteen minutes. He'd been noticeably grumpy, seemingly in a vast hurry to get back to the room and do nothing for the rest of the evening but lay on the bed and channel surf.

In the end, he'd only gone to bed after both Jack and Teal'c threatened severe bodily injury and confiscated the remote. Even now, he seemed obsessed with the television and it hadn't have been for the fact that Jack had no desire at all to spend the whole day in their room, that's where they'd be right now, if for no other reason than to keep Daniel happy.

"Carter and Fraiser are here on their own time," Jack said, dismissing his friend's odd behavior as he leaned back as far as he could in the narrow chair. He'd get over it. "And neither of them are: a) from an alien planet, or b) spent a year imitating a glow in the dark octopus," he muttered, sighing as the house lights dimmed and the emcee walked out onto the stage.

Knowing that it was a futile gesture, he closed his eyes, ignoring the yells and screams of the ladies around him, jumping to their feet as the next guest walked onto the stage. All of a sudden, being trapped in a room with a channel surfing archaeologist didn't seem all THAT bad.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"So, what's up with them?" Janet asked, glancing over her shoulder at her three team mates during a short break in the program. The boys were several rows back and just barely visible in the dim light of the auditorium.

Sam shrugged. "I think the colonel took them to task for going AWOL yesterday."

"What did they do?"

"From what I can gather, after they gave up on finding the colonel, they went sightseeing, then ran into an old friend of Teal'c's. That's where they spent the night."

"Why didn't they call?"

"I don't know," Sam said. "Anyway, he's bound and determined that it won't happen again, so they're on a short leash, especially until after the auction tonight."

"Aah," Janet said knowingly. "Still stinging from last year?"

Sam nodded. "Oh yeah. I think General Hammond's exact words were if anything was bought tonight, it was not going to come out of his operating budget like he had to do for Jonas last year," Sam said, referring to the thousand dollar prop Jonas had bought from the auction. True, the general had been seen, more than once, sitting in it, but Sam also knew that he'd had a hard time finding a way to disguise it in the SGC's operating budget. In the end, he'd ended up giving Jonas a raise in his stipend, only to then confiscate the money from the alien to pay for the prop.

Of course, the man's plan did backfire on him in the end. Since he'd paid for it, Jonas decided that it was his and had it sent to Kelowna with the rest of his belongings.

"Speaking of," Janet said. "Have you seen General Hammond lately?"

Sam frowned. "You know, now that you mention it…I haven't seen him since Thursday."

"Me neither."

"I hope he's ok."

Sam shook her head. "He's a big boy. Besides, checking in with two lowly majors probably isn't high on his list. I'm sure the colonel knows where he is."

"Maybe we should ask him," Janet said, as the emcee stepped out onto the stage and the lights dimmed again. "Later."

"Later," Sam agreed.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Daniel flopped onto the bed, the TV remote clutched in his hand. Ignoring Jack's heavy sigh, he turned on the set and started flipping through the channels, stopping only long enough to wait through various commercials until he could see the show that was playing.

"Daniel, would you please pick A show. Any show, just pick ONE of them," Jack said, lounging in one of the chairs in the suite. Daniel ignored him, continuing to surf.

"Teal'c—"

"Jack, you want us to stay in this room, I'm gonna watch TV. You don't like it, leave," the archaeologist said, barely glancing away from the screen.

"Indeed, O'Neill," Teal'c said, sitting cross legged on the bed. "We remain sequestered at your request."

Jack snorted. "You two ran around Vancouver for over twenty-four hours…without a single phone call I may add," he reminded.

"We were looking for you. The one that wandered away from the tour without a single word," Daniel said.

"Daniel Jackson has a valid point. Was it not for your lack of responsible behavior, we would not have left the tour in search of you. Therefore if you wish to lay blame for our actions, I would suggest you first look at yourself," Teal'c said.

Jack stared at the pair, finally rolling his eyes and scrubbing his hands over his face. "Ok, fine. You have a point. House arrest is lifted. Just for god's sake, do NOT go near the auction or spend any more money," he requested. "Do you have any idea how much paperwork I'm going to have to fill out to account for your last spree?"

"We shall restrain ourselves, O'Neill. Will we not, Daniel Jackson?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, yeah. I'm done shopping," Daniel said, still ceaselessly flipping through the channels. "Besides, what's the big deal? I used my own card. I have a year's salary to burn."

"You did?"

"Yeah."

"You do?"

"Do what?"

"Got a year's back pay?"

"Yeah. Although I had to cough up income tax. Vanishing for a year does wonders for your financial situation." He frowned, cruising through the channels for the tenth time since they'd come into the room. "Damnit, why isn't it on?"

"Why isn't what on?"

Daniel looked at him and frowned, shaking his head. "Doesn't matter."

"I believe Daniel Jackson is looking for a television program we saw being filmed whilst we explored Vancouver."

"Really? What show?"

"That's the problem," Daniel sighed.

"We were not able to ascertain precisely which television program it was."

"Aah," Jack said. "Did you notice which company it was?"

"We did not, O'Neill?"

"Ok, do you remember where and when?"

"Robson Square, Friday Afternoon," Daniel said.

"Let me make some calls when we get back to the mountain. Since they were taping in the city, they had to have permits. I know a friend of a friend that can make a call, find out which show was taping there," Jack offered.

"Really?"

"Yeah," Jack answered. He rolled his wrist, looking at his watch. "Look, I don't know about you two, but I'm starved. Wanna walk over to Boston Pizza, grab something to eat? The food was pretty good last time."

"That sounds good," Daniel said, turning off the TV and getting to his feet. "Teal'c?"

"I do not recall eating at this restaurant before."

"That's because you were drunk, T," Jack said, standing up and slipping on his jacket. "Order a Caesar and I'll break your hands."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Oh…my…god," Janet breathed, staring in amazement at the spectacle going on before her.

"That's what's under those robes?" Sam said, her eyes fixated on the stage.

"Apparently."

"Wow."

"Yeah. You know, as a doctor, I can say, that is one fine looking ass," she diagnosed, her voice slipping into a slight southern drawl. She stood up, ignoring the angry words from the women in the row behind them.

Just in front of the stage, an actor wiggled his BVD covered butt, his slacks pooled around his ankles. "Come on, ladies. Are you just going to let Doogie's …umm…sacrifice be in vain?" he persuaded, standing beside the man. "What I have here is four, yes FOUR tickets to a tour of the Wormhole X-Treme set." Doogie, still facing towards the stage and away from the audience turned on his mic. "The first person that pays one thousand dollars for these tickets will not only get the tour, for a bargain price I may add, they will also get the once in a life time opportunity to lay your hand, and only your hands, on Dark Helmet's ass," he said, giving the body part in question an enticing wiggle.

"One thousand," Sam yelled, raising her hand.

"Sam," Janet protested. "You've seen the set already."

"Ten fifty," a woman across the room shouted.

"Eleven hundred," Sam countered.

"Eleven fifty."

"Twelve," Sam yelled, narrowing her eyes.

"Twelve fifty."

"Fifteen hundred," Sam shouted, shooting the woman a quelling look.

"Fifteen. I have fifteen hundred dollars. Do I hear fifteen fifty?" the emcee called, looking around the room. One woman stood up and Sam turned, staring her down. She stared for a minute, then lowered her eyes and sat back down. "Fifteen hundred going once…twice…SOLD to the…passionate young lady in the fifth row."

Sam triumphantly got to her feet, rubbing her hands together. "Sam." Janet reached out and grabbed her friend's arm. "What do you think you're doing?"

"I'm gonna go grab his ass."

"Why?"

"Because I paid damn good money to do so. Wanna join me?"

"Sam I…" Janet protested, her attention diverted by the sight of Doogie waving his firm, muscular tush, looking over his shoulder.

"Let's not take all day, ladies," the emcee chided. "We have things to sell and money to raise."

"Wait for me," Janet said, getting to her feet. She followed Sam up the aisle and towards the waiting man.

"Hi," Doogie said.

"Hi aah," Sam stuttered, her face coloring.

"Touch yes, pinch no," he instructed. "Ya ain't gonna break it. But you better not leave a mark that I have to explain to my wife."

Sam laughed as she and Janet took up their places and gently laid their hands on the cotton clad surface. "So, Sam, what exactly are you going to do with four tickets to see some place you've been three times?" Sam stopped, frowning for a minute before a slightly evil smile crossed her face. "What?"

"Never did get the boys a Christmas gift," she said.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"This is not my idea of fun," Jack said, staring longingly down the hall of the hotel, towards the restaurant, complete with all you can eat breakfast bar.

"Jack, from what Janet said, Sam spent a lot of money on these tickets," Daniel said, cradling a paper cup of coffee in his hands that he'd purchased at the restaurant.

"She also spends a lot of money on her bike, and you don't see me lining up to crawl on the back of it," Jack shot back.

"Major Carter's gift is most heartfelt," Teal'c said.

"Yeah," Daniel agreed. "And believe me, there are a hundred other con goers that would kill to come on this tour. Did you know, they did an online auction, raised over ten thousand dollars auctioning off tickets."

"Good for them," Jack dismissed.

"Jack—"

"Daniel, it's 0730 Sunday morning. I should be in bed, or sitting on my deck, enjoying a nice cup of coffee while I read the funny paper, not lined up with a hundred…enthusiastic people, waiting to go look at a set I've already seen fifty times before," he ranted.

"You've been there before?" one of the women waiting asked.

"What's it like?" another asked.

"I hear that it looks just like it does on TV. I mean, the computers work and everything."

"Yeah, they said that the gate even spins. Do you think they'll spin it for us?" Jack took a step back, raising his hands to ward them off.

"Do you have pictures? We've got to take lots of pictures. Sel tried to get in on the auction, but she lost out at the last minute so she can't go." The woman jerked her thumb at another woman in their group.

"She did?" Jack asked, impulsively jumping on the opportunity.

"Jack? What are you doing?"

Jack reached into his pocket and pulled out two of the four badges he'd been given late last night. They'd returned from their dinner late last evening after lingering over a beer to watch the end of a hockey game at Boston Pizza to be greeted at the door by an excited pair of Air Force majors, bearing four very coveted tickets to a set tour and a certain degree of reluctance to specify exactly what they'd done to get them. "Have fun," he said, handing two of the badges over to the woman.

"Oh my god," she exclaimed. "Are you serious?"

Jack smiled and nodded. She squealed, grabbing his arm and wrapping her arms around his waist. She planted a loud kiss on his cheek, then let him go. "Thank you, thank you, thank you," she enthused, turning back to her friends, the coveted tickets held over her head.

Jack shook his head and frowned, then turned to face Daniel. "Daniel, keep an eye on Murray. Murray, keep an eye on Daniel. Do not leave the group, return here in one piece. I'm going to go have me a nice, relaxing breakfast and read the paper." Jack spun on his heel, stalking out of the lobby and towards their room, suddenly deciding that he wasn't in the mood to eat in the restaurant. Room service would suit him just fine…room service and privacy.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"This is crazy," Janet complained, yawning as Sam took the exit and left the highway.

"No, it's not," Sam said.

"It's 0700, Monday morning, and we're fighting the rush hour traffic to Coquitlam so that you can buy donuts."

"Not just donuts, Krispy Kremes," Sam corrected, quickly changing lanes so that she could take the correct exit to get across the bridge.

"They're donuts. Lovely little artery clogging bits of dough with a hole in the middle and sugar on top."

Sam growled. "We're on vacation. Diets don't count."

"What exactly are you going to do with the donuts anyway?"

"Take a dozen back for the boys, and I though I'd drop some off for Mo. Sort of a going away present."

"Really?"

"Yeah. A thank you for the tour Thursday. Besides, I have it on good authority that General Hammond happens to love donuts. We can make it up to him for abandoning him all weekend."

"Did you ever find out what he did all weekend?" Janet asked.

"Umm, no, actually. I got so excited about the auction, I forgot to ask the colonel about him," Sam admitted.

"Are you saying that we abandoned him?" Janet asked.

"What?"

"Well, I haven't seen him since Thursday, you haven't seen him since Thursday…"

Sam looked at her and frowned, then shook her head. "Surely the boys have seen him. He's rooming right down the hall from them." Janet stared at her, clearly skeptical. "We better make sure to get his favorite kind of donut."

"Yeah," the doctor agreed. "A dozen of his favorite."

"Maybe two."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"I cannot believe you lost the general!" Jack ranted, his voice echoing off the marble floors of the hotel lobby.

"Lost? Since when were we in charge of him…sir?" Sam said, her hands going to her hips.

"He was rooming right down the hall from you," Janet reminded.

"So was half the population of the 'my reality check bounced' fan club," he said, his words earning him more than a few glares from the various con participants who were either checking out or just hanging around in the lobby.

"Jack," Daniel warned.

"The last time we saw him was Thursday, how about you guys?" Janet asked, trying to defuse the situation a bit.

"Thursday, before the locations tour," Daniel confirmed.

"And he hasn't been in his room?" Sam asked.

"Not according to housekeeping," Jack said.

"He's never been in Vancouver before, where could he go?" Sam asked.

"You're presuming that he left of his own accord," Jack said.

"Do you suggest that General Hammond's disappearance has nefarious origins?" Teal'c asked.

"It's not like it's never happened before," Jack said seriously, shooting Sam an apologetic look.

"True," Sam agreed. "But General Hammond doesn't quite have the…appeal that others do," she said, her words full of double meaning.

They were all gathered in the lobby having all checked out of their rooms in time to catch the shuttle back to the airport in time for their flight back to Colorado Springs. It was then that they discovered one vital thing…General Hammond was missing.

Jack groaned, running his hands through his hair. "I gotta find a secure phone. Call the base, call the boss." His emphasis on the word telling them that 'boss' as the man with Mister and President in his title.

"I do not believe our failure to notice his absence for this length of time will be received well," Teal'c observed.

"Oh ya think?" Jack quipped. "Stay here," he instructed. "Anybody even thinks about leaving this lobby, I will tie you to a chair." He spun on his heel, turning towards the front desk.

"Jack?"

"Daniel—"

"Colonel!"

Jack turned back to them. "What?"

Daniel didn't say a word, simply pointing towards the front door. Jack turned, staring in amazement as the missing general ambled through the sliding door, whistling softly as he pulled a pair of sunglasses off his round face. He looked tanned, rested, and disgustingly happy. "Is it time to leave already?" he asked.

"Um, aah, yeah, sir," Jack stuttered.

Hammond nodded. "It'll just take me a few minutes to pack," he said, turning on his heel and leaving the lobby.

Jack stared after him for a minute, then turned back to his team. "Is it my imagination or…"

"Oh yeah," Daniel said.

"Aahah," Sam agreed.

"Definitely," Janet said.

"I believe General Hammond has indeed gained much enjoyment from this weekend," Teal'c said.

"That dog," Jack said, grinning slyly.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"So, what'd he say?" Sam asked as Jack joined her, Daniel and Teal'c at a table in the commissary.

"Nothing," Jack said, leaning forward and wrapping his hands around a mug of coffee. "All he'll say is that he had a great time. Although I did catch him looking online at air fare to Texas."

"Texas?"

"Perhaps General Hammond desires to visit his state of origin?" Teal'c asked.

Jack snorted. "Whatever." He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocked. "Got an answer for you, Daniel."

"For what?" Daniel asked, unfolding the paper.

"The show. It's some sci-fi piece of junk called Andromeda. That's what was taping in Robson Square that day. If you watch the show, you can probably figure out who the actress was."

"Wow, thanks, Jack." Daniel smiled.

"Anytime."

Daniel finished off his waffles and took a drink of his orange juice. "If there's as many fan sites about Andromeda as there is for Wormhole X-Treme, I should have no trouble finding an address. Maybe I can look them up next year." He paused, frowning at Jack. "You know, you never did say where you went that Thursday."

"What?"

"That Thursday when you vanished. You never did say where you went."

"Yeah, I did."

"No, you didn't."

"Did."

"Did not."

"Did."

"You did not, O'Neill," Teal'c said.

"What difference does it make?" Jack asked.

"Colonel O'Neill." Jack turned to see Sargent Siler walking into the commissary. "I have a delivery for you, sir." He handed him a large envelope. "Special delivery, all the way from Vancouver. That cost someone some money."

"Vancouver?" Daniel asked. "Got a fan club, Jack?"

Jack shrugged, tearing the envelope open. "If this is a bill, I'm going to take it out of your hide," he threatened.

He reached in and pulled out a large color picture. A small slip of paper fluttered to the table and Sam reached in, grabbing it before he could get it. "'Enjoy, Mike'," she read.

"Who's Mike?" Daniel asked.

"That is not a picture of a male," Teal'c said.

"No," Sam said. "That's umm…oh what's her name? She was in a movie."

"That is Mary Steenburgen," Teal'c said.

"Really?" Daniel asked, craning his neck to see the picture. "Well, it looks like she knows Jack." Sam raised her eyebrows. "'Jack, what a fun afternoon. Let me know if you're ever in town again, we'll do lunch'," he read.

"Lunch?" Sam asked, fighting laughter.

Daniel nodded. "Lunch," he said, accentuating the word.

"Grow up," Jack growled, grabbing the paper from Sam and getting to his feet. He stalked out of the room, leaving his team mates behind.

Daniel watched him go, then picked up his mug of coffee. "He is so going back next year."

"Oh yeah," Sam agreed.

"Indeed," Teal'c intoned.

Fin

**Wormhole X-Treme**

**Season Three**

Into the frying Pan – Budget cuts threaten the base, only a chili cook off can save the day

Beth – Danning's ex-wife returns

Fair Ball – Treaty negotiations break down, and the fate of the universe rests on the outcome of a baseball game

O Say Can You See – Levant picks up an alien parasite and starts to have hallucinations

Bell Curve – aliens pit Stacy against Danning in a battle of wits, with Earth's survival in the balance

Pint of Shampoo – Stacy's gonna wash that man right outta her hair

Being Dead's a Bitch – A clerical error lists Levant as dead. Can he unravel it in time to save his paycheck?

Angels – a once in a lifetime multi network crossover featuring guest stars Della Reese and Roma Downey

Mules of Engagement – borrowing a pair of slippers gets Danning in over his head

The Never-ending story – Levant is trapped in a time loop

Gimme a Present – It's Stacy's birthday…will Danning give her her heart's desire?

Hole in our Memories – the team returns to Earth with amnesia. Can they remember in time to save earth?

Grell, you little devil – Grell touches an alien artifact and shrinks in size, right at the peak of his mating cycle

Toehold – microscopic aliens invade the base and gives everyone a bad case of athlete's foot

Past Tense – The team goes back to the past…can they save their future, our present?

Urges – Alien influence strikes again…can they control their carnal urges long enough to save Earth?

100 Ways – Marooned, all alone, on an alien planet, Danning and Monroe find a way to pass time

Shades of Silver – Danning mysteriously grows old, can he be saved before he faces mandatory retirement?

Underground – with the elevators down, the team struggles to reach the surface

Paternal Instinct – After touching an alien artifact, Levant gets pregnant. Is the child the savior of the universe, or a horrible new threat?

Crystal Mall – With Levant's pregnancy progressing, he needs new clothes

Emesis – It's the second trimester and morning sickness is still an issue. Can he be cured before it costs him his life?


End file.
